Another Wednesday

I have written a lot of goodbye notes recently...

Don't worry.

I don't plan on going anywhere.

But bright lights are fluttering past my atmosphere. 

And I am forced to wish upon a star.

Goodbye letters.

They are odd things to write.

Someone has shaped your life

enough to make you pour your heart out.

But somehow,

not enough to know

if you'll ever meet again.

Realising this might be the last time you tell them they inspired you. 

Last time you remind them of the times you laughed together.

Last time you bring up the memories shared.

Last time you get to tell them

how much they mattered.

It leaves me with a selfish desire…

Goodbyes should be the other way around.

That way, I would get a note instead.

One that reassures me we had what we had.

That all the things mentioned in my letter were real.

That you thought I was cool too.

That maybe, just maybe,

you liked me,

as much as I liked you.

Maybe then I wouldn't obsessively pore over my own words.

Rereading my letters…

over and over and over again.

Hoping that my words touch you in the slightest.

Maybe for a second,

making you sad.

Regretful…

about leaving.

Thinking about what we could have been.

You would have shown me something stupid

just because it reminded you of me.

And somehow, I would understand

what you meant without asking.

We would have had another Wednesday.

Then another.

Another end-of-day class.

Another moment where you

understood me without me having to explain.

Another time where you would help me believe in myself a little more again.

I guess this is why I keep writing these letters.

Grappling with the realisation

that the people who teach you how to stand

won’t always wait around to see where you’ll walk next.

Despite the fear

that I’ll need your help most

when you're no longer here.

In these farewell letters,

I try to preserve something.

Not because I’m trying to stop you from leaving.

But simply because there is comfort in clinging to a connection I know was real.

Once upon a time.

But never ever after.