sidewalk chalk

i miss being little
when the world felt so big
and i believed in things
like Santa, God, and my father

i’m not quite sure i believe in anything anymore
not even myself

i remember drawing rainbows in my driveway
with a piece of chalk that had seen better days
watching it melt to dust between my fingers
tracing my name faintly into the sidewalk

i miss when lemonade tasted good
and i never thought about calories
i miss the smell of summer
hot dogs and chlorine
days spent swimming in the ocean
while simultaneously giving my mother a heart attack

i miss playing in the sand with my brother
arguing over whose sandcastle was bigger
as if we didn’t know
the sea would take them both

i’m older now
and sometimes i wish
it could take me instead

now i spend summers
standing in front of the mirror
crying over what i look like in a bikini

i used to love summer
i really did
i’m just not sure when it got so cold

i used to think growing up meant freedom
getting to eat coco pops for breakfast
staying up past nine o’clock
but no one warned me it also meant
answering emails instead of birthday cards
planning your day around appointments
watching the people you love
fade into versions of themselves
you don’t always recognise

i miss thinking life was fair
like good people got good things
and bad guys always got caught
but i’m not so little anymore
and life is not a fairy tale
and not all people are good
and sometimes the villains win

i miss the version of me
who drank lemonade without alcohol
who believed in the tooth fairy
and maybe she’s still in there
underneath the pills, the bills, the liquor,
the liquid iv’s

maybe one day i’ll find her again
covered in sidewalk chalk
barefoot and unafraid
still believing
the world is big
that she belongs in it
and maybe
she’ll still believe in it