My Mother in Law

As much as I love my mother in law

I so wish she’d settle down,

in another country far away

or at least in another town.

It’s the rolling pins that frighten me

and her teeth by the side of the bed,

her false leg is used as a battering ram

ands so heavy it must be lead.

When she smiles her false teeth move around

inside that cavernous mouth,

and I’m not saying that her Bra’s don’t fit any more

but her boobs have been travelling south!

The old ‘piny’ she wears she bought at a fete

in nineteen forty two,

she very rarely takes it off

and never wears anything new.

I’m terrified of her acid tongue

that cuts my conversation in half,

and to see me fall flat on my face

would really make her laugh.

As she sits in the evenings knitting barbed wire

and watching TV through a lens,

she practices yoga and karate as well

and ties a knot in herself if she bends !

The first time I heard her dulcet voice

I thought Richard Burton was reborn,

and when she raises her voice or clears her throat

she sound like the Titanic’s fog horn.

She’s always liked a drink or two

and can murder a bottle of Gin,

but when she puts her swimming costume on

she looks like a shark with a fin !

I honestly love this woman to bits

it’s a shame she’s a hundred and two,

because when she finally gets to the pearly gates

I’m sure she’ll outlive the sacred Jew.

I’ve been a bit rough on this old dear

as she’s done some good things in her life,

it was fifty years ago today

that she gave birth to my wonderful wife !

 If truth be known she’s an angel of sorts

with a heart that’s made from gold,

and when God created my mother in law

he definitely broke the mould !