An Inside View of Anxiety

Ok so I know I said I was going to do a poem today, but you know in life things change. So I will be doing a journal entry today as well. 

The topic of today being ANXIETY. 

So today I will be giving you the run down on some of my experiences with anxiety and how it has affected my life. 

People who do not have anxiety, don't really understand the severity and toll it can have on a person. Anxiety is a constant battle for me, and I am working on overcoming it without the help of prescription drugs. I was prescribed anti anxiety medication, but they made me numb to any feelings and they made me feel like a complete zombie. So I decided to stop taking them, so I could battle it on my own. Doing so was like running into a war zone without any armor or weapons to protect myself. 

When I start developing feelings for someone, my mind automatically goes into defense mode and shuts down. I begin to push that person away, because its hard to let myself become vulnerable. I don't want them to know the pain that is within me. I can't let them see the scars that I hide, because they won't understand. I can't put my guard down, because that means that I will put myself at risk of being hurt. 

Here is an inside look at what happens to my thoughts when ANXIETY gets in the way: 

ANXIETY: I'm not pretty enough for him, he could do better than me. I'm crazy thinking that there will ever be a chance between us. He's an amazing guy and I'm just me, there is no chance in hell. Come on Jessica, stop being so stupid, stop thinking that there will ever be a chance of you finding love. You are broken, to destroyed, you are useless. Just shut up, stop trying, and give up already. 

ME: You deserve to be happy. You're a strong woman that has made it through so many obstacles in life, that should've destroyed you. But you decided to not let anything pull   you down, you're a survivor and a fighter. You're worth so much and you come with so much to offer. You have a big heart and your love is strong. Don't give up, continue being you and be happy.

ANXIETY: Why do you think you matter? You will never escape the past. You brought all this pain upon yourself. It's not fair to bring someone into your life, and burden them with your pain. Quit being so selfish, no one cares about you and your life. Come on look at yourself! There are way prettier women out there, that have so much more to offer than you do. You have no chance. 

ME: I don't know what I was even thinking. Maybe I should just give up, it would be a lot easier. I'm tired of this constant battle. 

ANXIETY: You will never get over your pain. You allowed everything bad to happen to you. Remember you wore that skirt that Mom said to not wear, and that's why he took advantage of you! What person wants to be with someone like you? You wouldn't have gotten beat, if you didn't try and protect your brother! You must like getting beat, considering your ex husband did the same. You must really ask for it. These things all happened, because you allowed them to. All this pain you feel is your fault. It's selfish to bring this upon someone else. 

ME: I was 7 years old and wanted wanted to wear a pretty skirt like my friends always did. I didn't ask the bastard to touch me! He took something from me that I could never get back! That was not my fault. I wasn't going to let my step dad hit my baby brother, I had to protect him. I will never take back protecting my brother. I can't see others hurt, I will take the pain for others, so they don't have to endure it. I will not allow myself to feel self pity, sadness, or pain. I have to push through it like I always have. Screw you ANXIETY! I will not allow you to control my life anymore. I will be happy, no matter how hard a battle I have to fight, to be free and happy.

Anxiety is real and it is a constant battle. It has been a hard road for me, trying to deal with anxiety, especially with no medication. I have my good days and my bad days. I have done a good job with dealing with my anxiety.