To My Father

I really wish I could hate you,

I wish I could walk away.

And I try I really do.

But no matter how much I say

That I hate you, or that I never want to see you again

It doesn’t stop the pain.

It doesn’t keep me from feeling abandoned,

I want to tell you to stay away,

But every day I want to tell you what I did.

I continue to think “this time, this time he’ll be proud”.

But its just continuous disappointment.

And somewhere deep down, I know that its your loss,

That I am a goddamn masterpiece.

And you are not worthy of my love.

So then why does it feel like hot steel,

When you wait just a little too long to call.

And why does it burn,

When you end each phone call with “Talk Later”.

And why do I cry myself to sleep,

Wondering why,

Why the one man who was supposed to be constant,

The one man who was supposed to protect me,

And love me unconditionally,

Doesn’t.

You really fucked me up,

You ruined me,

Because of you, I don’t believe.

Not in God,

Not in love,

Not in myself.

I don’t trust,

I don’t attach.

Why can’t I hate you?

I hope you’re proud.