"Getting That Phone Call"

“Are you okay?"
“Don't cry!"
“He's in a better place now”
“Everything happens for a reason”
No I’m not okay,
sitting in my room,
and i can’t stop crying,
he's in a better place yea,
but I’m in a fucking nightmare,
sometimes i sit alone and wonder why those things happen for a reason but we never know that reason,
and i refuse to let these tears show,
cause it’ll make who’s around me feel so low,
and even tho he wasn’t my son,
i feel as if he was my own,
being so attached to him,
caused all these tears and pain i have knowing i won’t see him,
and this is something y’all can’t understand,
so let me tell y’all why it hurts so much,
seeing my sister with her round belly,
rubbing her belly every time she came,
getting that phone call at 4 a.m. ,
being by her side while those contractions hit,
seeing his face as he came out,
hearing that cry as she pushed and pushed,
3 times a week is when id baby sit,
as he layed on my chest and would fall asleep,
as we walked to church to have him baptized,
seeing him grow couldn’t believe he was 2 months old now,
getting that phone call at 3pm in a rush we got there,
expecting anything but not that he stopped breathing,
seeing her fall down to the ground crying “he’s gone” “Jase is gone”
crying as well cause i had that flashback of me and my nephew,
mascara smeared hair all fucked up but i just didn’t care,
asking god why,
and why he chose our family,
feeling like my heart stopped beating,
wanting to see him but in the ambulance he was where no one not even his own mother could see him,
seeing them drive away with our precious prince,
those tears running down my face feeling like their bullets falling down my eyes,
the whole neighborhood knowing he’s already gone,
people posting when they didn’t even meet him,
the bitch my sister hates being there then having the guts to say “ill see you around”
going home having to tell my little brother,
seeing him cry cause that was like his little brother,
my world collapsing,
sister staying with us that night,
hearing her cry at night,
breaking my heart cause then theirs the younger one next to me crying too,
eyes aching cause I’ve been crying all day,
heart breaking cause I’m missing you all day,
so this is my story,
why it hurts so much.