I Cheated

Why? Smothered by hopes and dreams that came crashing down on my shoulders. Future plans based upon feelings of once was but no longer now. Possibilities slain, dreams crushed hopes drifted away. Tasting and testing the waters only keeps me thirsty for the endless pit and void that was once over flowing. How upsetting to let go of temporary fulfillment of need to return to what I thought was going to be my forever but now is my growing cancer. I feel every bit of the radiation administered to keep me going but in all actuality it's killing me inside. Next life time is too far of a galaxy and universe to wait just to receive what I desire. Understanding, connection, flow, peace, healing... I have received in all corners of the earth but lack in my lap. That is my current coordinates. Central location "lap=my life" missing Understanding, connection, flow, peace, healing. Longitude location = desperately needing what I need. Is my SOS not big enough. Latitude location = so deep in what I bought that I'm drowning. Frequently taking breaths but loosing ground. How I wish I can trade, swap or even teleport to satisfaction but reality is real. I'm married! Dying. Often needing a defibrillator to jump start my recovery. Finding myself windowing shopping and I swiped my credit card.