Happy

I finally made a rational decision instead of an emotional one. 

I’m so done with the “what ifs.”

I’m so done with the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas.”

I’m so done with craving closure.

I’m so done with questioning my worth.

It’s done. Finished. Finito. Over. 

9 months.

For 9 months I made emotional decisions.

Really bad ones. They set me back and delayed my healing process.

Laid up under 3 “Hims” in a row to stifle the pain.

For 9months.

Temporarily, those “Hims” made me feel special, appreciated, and oddly enough: loved.

Even though it was all a facade.

But I hoped it wasn’t.

I was determined to squeeze my size 9 into a size 6.

The closeness those “Hims” provided kept me engaged even when they weren’t.

It kept me coming back for more like a dope fiend needing its next hit.

Even despite the lies, the vague explanations, the unanswered texts, the aloofness, and the disrespect.

There I was.

No plans to go anywhere.

For I had no other place to be.

Rationale replaced with vulnerability.

Those “Hims” played on me effortlessly like an inexperienced person intrigued by a vacant piano.

Like a competitive basketball game in the sun,

and I could hear them yelling,  “I got next!”

Drowning in my own misery, yet stagnant from the fear of loneliness.

But today, I made a decision.

I decided that I was already enough.

I was already worth it.

I decided to forgive those “Hims” for not knowing it.

To especially forgive the one who inspired my 9 month downward spiral.

And most of all, to forgive myself.

I decided to walk alone instead of in loneliness.

My walk is new.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s somewhat difficult.

But it’s mine.

Just for me.

I can feel myself growing and getting stronger.

Better.

I finally made a rational decision instead of an emotional one this time.

A decision to be happy.