The Love We Share

Comments2

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  LaRose March 27th, 2016 06:39

  I hope this one has few poem faux pas😈

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  Severus Alexander March 28th, 2016 08:43

  This really, really good!
  
  You've managed to imbue it with a crazy amount of texture; very vivid, almost alive.
  
  I think it probably portrays the event you had in mind very well, and in that sense I'd almost hesitate to interfere, because this poem has already met my only real requirement, (to speak from the heart) however, I must also acknowledge that the best poets are perfectionists, so please don't consider my 'criticism' to be anything other than a helpful suggestion;
  
  When you're going for texture, you don't really need a reliable meter, but when you use irregular patterns within a rhyme scheme it tends to throw things off, so you're almost always better off with a meter that you can trust.
  
  You have a rhyme scheme of..
  
  A-X-B-X
  
  This is good, because it already incorporates an alternating pattern of non-rhyming lines.
  
  However, I would (and this is just me, so feel free to completely ignore it; this is your poetry, and I respect your method a great deal) throw in a single line of dissonance in the middle, and then indent above and below it.
  
  It would stand out, and add a considerable amount of emphasis.
  
  However, I can see that you've gone with a heavily textured, almost deliciously smooth approach, creating a single cascade of incredible emotions and descriptive imaging, so it might not be the best idea to interrupt it with an emphasized dissonance.
  
  All things considered, your style is really good; the only concrete advice that I can give you at this point would be to find a reliable meter that you like, and that fits with the length and feel of your poems, to add to the fluidity of your style.
  
  (which is already quite impressive, if I do say so myself.)
  

  • 

    LaRoseMarch 28th, 2016 10:13

    Thanks Serverus, i never take discussion, critical review or even down right rejection badly (well maybe never is not quite the right word) but i do very much appreciate your assessment, comment and recommedation. Sometimes in my haste to get my feelings on paper or to communicate my inner thoughts, i loose myself. It is kinda akin to running down hill and attempting to stop short of a clift.
    I will make another attempt at this one. Again thanks for the reading and words.

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    Severus AlexanderMarch 28th, 2016 15:56

    I always enjoy reading your poetry, LaRose! : )