ii- Day Two

ii
oh but however
no curtains open on a bursting stage strung with the highest violins strings
they sting
"sweet darling-calling man" calls you by shorthand as I look around
my 360 degree head turning a marvel of young hope
oh let us squash it with sleeping in
late, by going to the countryside, through self busying, more realistic company- realism.

anyway i'm ushered in
and later strode toward teen wasters as if preconceiving their wastefulness
but no words to me,
no "sorry, i know what your waiting for and I bare my right handed apology, on behalf of the missing other side"
meaning it was never discussed
meaning it held no pinnacle
or care
or thought for anything other than one's own lying in bed
or worse
this hopeful girl here, wandering up and down the local road again ten times on the phone to her father over whom she's already lifted him
'thee who must not be bothered'
who'd hear cries and think 'melodrama!' 'youth!' or 'is that a hum I hear in the corner beneath the floorboards?'

so you pick up your life changing letter and smile for the crowds with searching orbital eyes
come home to grey
all the future's grey
and it's utterly up to you to spruce it with beauty but you simply cannot because all your effort is gone on what's almost not possible
''man, why does every black actor gotta rap some?"
subject change
(I don't know- all I know is he's the best one)
subject change, but for my subjective passion I would have shifted deeply into a realm of academia and stabbed hard into the boney base of the back
not that it would be greeted with care but I'd feel great knowing all this fucking of my life and drinkcryscrapebleedbingestarveworking
was for this great unhindered knowledge that it all just broke me
'and wherever u are I hope you know I care and am confused', and that no one understanding this here would warrant the letter over the spirit

sadly, it is not enough to rejoice in 'best thing you never had' pop songs or 'your loss baby' t shirt slogans
but to actively drag oneself down feels good,
I'm left with the funnest delinquent disposition
of hurting on the outside because I feel like a tossed away baby inside

Loel J. Bancroft