My Demons

There are secrets I've never told you

I've never been brave enough

I don't know if I ever will.

The things that have been done to me…

The ways I've been used…

I'm filthy

I'm unclean

I wish I could scrub my very skin off

But even that wouldn't be enough.

I want to tell you about the night

That I passed out drunk

And woke up to someone having his way with me.

I want to tell you about the time I experimented with a girlfriend of mine

And her husband decided he'd rather have me

Even without my permission.

I want to tell you about my ex

Who regularly did as he pleased with me

Even after I told him no

Or another ex

Who decided that while I was already pinned down

He might as well try other things

That I very much did not want.

I want to tell you about the first time I ever gave a blowjob,

How I didn't want to

But he made me do it,

And pushed me down until I choked.

How I was only 16 when that happened.

I want to tell you about the time I lost my virginity

To a boy who took me to his house

Instead of swim practice

And held me down until he finished

Before taking me to practice

Late

With the proof of what he had done

Still covering my skirt.

I want to tell you these things

And how they've hurt me

How they've changed who I am.

I want you to understand why

Some days I can't get out of bed.

I want you to understand

These scars on my wrists

And why I felt like that was my only option.

I want you to know me

In this way that no one else does.

But these are the words I will never be able to speak.

These are the secrets that will die with me

Hardened into a ball of ice where my heart used to be.

These are my demons

And mine alone.