Panic

Panic

The wind billows my hair
The eerie silence as I walk
Seems to be screaming at me

I slowly make my way to the creek
My footsteps echo off the street

I sit down and take off my shoes
Letting the freezing water numb my feet

I sit in the complete quiet
Not Even The rustling of leaves or wind blowing

And feel content
But i can't help but feel that something is wrong
I just don't know what

My thoughts are jumbled and messy
More of a background noise that's humming in my head

Words
So many of them
I think
And try to form clear thoughts

Streams of things
But none of them ever make any sense

Colors swirl in the darkness
I’m not messed up
Or broken
I don’t need help
In fact i actually like these moments
For they give me an excuse to get away from real life

I lay on my back
My brown hair making a halo around my head
I close my eyes and fall silent

I tell myself to calm down
As so that my thoughts can settle

And let my mind wander

The world seems to shuffle around me
And the leaves whistle and stir

It’s nice
Just lying here
I’m in a dream like state

Then all of a sudden
I jolt awake
Clutching my head in my hands and screaming

An alarm is going off
Blaring louder and louder as time passes
And i know there is no escape
It’s like a knife in my brain
I feel dizzy and fall to the ground in a heap

Deep breathes I tell myself
But it doesn’t help
Of course it doesn’t
It never does

The world is no longer asleep
But awake and jumping and yelling and spinning

Go away I scream
Help I shout
But the only sentence I can make out clearly
Flashes like a neon light

Die

I am trapped and I can’t break through
I am gone
It’s been like this for a long time know

I’m dizzy
And sweaty
And tears are pouring down my face
As I lay curled
Grasping my head in my hands
I slowly slip to unconsciousness and become unaware of my surroundings
Who am I
What am i doing here
Why is there so much pain

I must decipher these thoughts
So I make a list
But it never helps
Shocker

Finally the screaming subsides
I lay there panting
When i try to stand what seems like hours later
I am unstable and fall back down

I’m suddenly tired
It never completely goes away
This panic
And it happens all the time
A constant loop
Tarnishing the calmness in shame

I stagger home and collapse
I blank out and forget everything
As usual after these fits
But I wake in my bed
Clean and changed
Quiet and calm
My breathing has studied
I am ok
Everything Is neat
Soft music in the background
All in place
Perfect
I cherish it

Hoping to get a few moments in
Before it all starts again