contemplations

As I sit in the dark at the edge of my bed, with my heart suddenly in my hands, I stare at the wall holding back my anger. Everything around me is falling apart, piece by piece, chunk by chunk. Before I new it my tears managed to find its way out as one slipped onto my torn up lips, suddenly softening them. At this point I couldn't stop, and I couldn't breathe. Everything just ached and felt like it was trying to kill me. I couldn't comprehend all this pain and sorrow. It got to me, it messed me up and sometimes I cant even bare the sight of myself. I found myself on the floor curled up staring myself in the mirror as tears poured from within. I looked like I was going crazy running my fingers through my hair and grasping it, biting my knuckles to stop me from punching that mirror, hands covered in snot and tears as I claw my thighs trying to calm myself. My eyes are blood red and I cant stop shaking. Thoughts are rummaging through my mind and I just yelled. I screamed so loud it echoed through my body and everything inside just went to pieces. Im home alone so no one can hear me, but home alone was the worst thing possible for me cause all I wanted to do is die. I needed someone to tell me just how much I matter but the only person who I wanted to hear that from was to busy getting wasted and fucking his girlfriend. I started the water and plugged the drain, I figured drowning would be the easiest with decent pain. When it filled up I got in only taking off my jacket and sat there for a few minutes as I cried my eyes dry. I finally went under and felt as my heart slowly stopped beating and as my lungs felt like they were collapsing. Suddenly something stopped me , I don't know what it is but I rushed up out o the water. I took a moment to cry again. I never knew it'd ever come to this point.