A Mothers SLAM Poem

Dear Mom,
When most people think of their childhood they think of it fondly, of the bright sunny days spent with their parent and siblings.
In my earliest memories I have some of those days.
Before my world became a swirling cyclone of pain and loneliness
So when I look back on my childhood. Its more so with bitterness and anger, those days that were dark and cloudy. When thunder clapped and lighting split the sky like my mothers words had done to my fragile heart
The days where the rain never ended and inside the solitude of my home my tears also rained down unrelenting
I remember wishing that my mother would love me.
That I would be good enough for the slightest of her affection.
I remember laying in bed at night as the tears stung the corners of my eyes and streaked down my face to wet my pillow
I would look up in to the dark velvet sky with my blood shot eyes and wish upon ever star that burned.
I wished that I hadn't been so tall
I wished my belly wasn't so fat
I wished my frame was just a little more, petite.
Maybe then you wouldn't have called me a "fat ass".
I wished that my hair had been straighter
that it had been strawberry blonde just like yours
That my skin wasn't so pale that it would tan in the sun rather than burn and my freckles would ever so slightly darken.
Maybe then you wouldn't have called me ugly
I wished that the corners of my mouth would have been more upturned and my eyes weren't so sad
I wish there was life left in them, that you hadn't smothered my soul and given me eyes that we're dead.
Maybe then you wouldn't have told me I looked like a bitch
I wish my long pants, t-shirt and the jacket I wore even on the hottest summer days would have hidden more of my skin.
Maybe then you wouldn't have called me a whore
I wished that I had been smarter so when you spoke to my teachers they didn't just talk about how I sat alone at lunch, how I didn't have many friend, how I always seemed so sad
Maybe then you wouldn't have called me stupid
Maybe then you wouldnt have blamed me for making you look bad
Maybe then you wouldn't have told me I was an antisocial freak
I wished that you hadn't hated where the other half of my chromosomes came from.
I wished that the half I got from you would have been enough for you to still love me
Maybe then you wouldn't have told me to shut the fuck up when I told you I loved you or denied me a hug
I wished I had tied the knot tighter
I wished I had taken more pills
I wished that car hadn't had time enough to stop.
I wished that all those times I tried to kill my self I would have done it right one of those 13 times by the age of 11
Maybe then you would have been happier
Maybe then you would have loved me in your grief
Maybe then I would have mattered

At the ripe age of 12 you sent me to go live with the other half of my chromosomes the man you taught me to fear and hate since he tried to wiggle his way into my life.
I wished I could understand why you hated me so much to go live with a man like him.
It wasn't long after I finally realized what it was like to have a parent that loved you.
Even though he wasn't perfect he tried and the love was tangible
It took 2 years before I gave him the label he deserved and I stopped calling him Kevin or hey you.
He had earned the right to be called dad
When I realized that such a title should be earned I realized how much you didn't deserve yours.
Sending me to live with my dad was the wish I never realized I had made
It was single handily the best thing you've ever done for me
The only thing you've ever done for me
Even though there was malice behind it and you lie to everyone saying it was my idea to avoid the persecution from your family.
I finally was able to surround my self with love and respect
No one cared that my stomach was fat
No one cared about my resting bitch face you made me hate so much
No one berated me for not being a social butterfly

What's crazy is now at the age of 20 I still look up into the sky and wish.
I don't wish for me tho
I wish for you.
I wish that you find some kind of peace
I wish the that anger in your heart would die
I wish the lie you've created would crumble around you like a house made of ash and I wouldn't be the family freak anymore based off of the elaborate tale you weaved for them

Most of all, now that I've grown into the person that I am. That your hate and anger I could seldom escape from molded me into. The only wish I still have for myself. Is that you hadn't created me, that I wasn't such and angry person, that I was open and capable of loving people just for being. But you took that away from me, my love its not something I can freely give anymore
And now that I've realized my worth I wish, I wish you were good enough for me.