In Case You\\\'re Still Wondering...

In case you are still wondering,

I did what I did for you.

In case you are still wondering,

I did what I did for me.

In case you are still wondering,

I did what I did for our dreams,

both of our dreams.

I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you,

I left because I didn’t love me.

I left because it wasn’t fair to you,

& it wasn’t your responsibility to help me love myself. 

In every moment I felt depressed, sad, & unhappy

you were there because I would rather love you, care for you, & put my all into you instead of myself.

I am not sure in which moment the thought of ending “us” came into my mind

I have gone through it countless of times in my head

& I can say that part of me felt you drifting apart, 

but I know deep down there was much more at heart.

Part of me wants to say that I left because of your repetitive lies,

and your failure to admit to such obvious things, but 

none of that mattered, I knew you lied since the beginning and chose to love you regardless.

In fact I thought it was cute that you felt the need to do so. 

As if I wouldn’t love you without them.

Aside from the minor things that came between us, there was something bigger

bigger than you and I

It was never a matter of love.

I loved you irrevocably.

I loved you at your worst & best.

Even after all this time and pain, I still do.

This time lapse means nothing to my soul,

Mate, if I had you here in front of me I’d hug you like nothing has changed.

If you were in front of me, I’d look into your eyes and kiss you deeply.

If I were alone with you I’d make love to you even if my heart began to cry & my mind began to fright.

In case you are still wondering, I didn’t leave you from lack of love

& what happened there after, happened because we are human. 

As humans we tried everything we could possibly think of to help us cope

& in that, we lost ourselves.

I wanted to be back in your arms more than you could ever imagine.

Setting pride aside, life wasn’t, hasn’t, & isn’t the same without you.

& Although it angered me to think that you could fall in love again so quickly,

I’m glad you didn’t take me back, because if you had, I wouldn’t be me.

& you wouldn’t be free.

Free to be all you could be with no restrictions. 

If its love you need b, you have it. 

I love you man, I’m your biggest fan.

I know its hard to understand why I couldn’t keep us “we”,

& if you could just see how much I have changed for the better,

not because I want you back,

but so that you can understand why I left.

I’ve changed so much, the change, it never stops.

I had to completely hit rock bottom. 

I had to be in complete darkness to finally see.

Forgive me for stating the following but it is so important for you to understand,

that when she left you, and you called me,

I knew you were mad at me

 because she claimed to leave for the reasons you thought I left.

In case you're still wondering, she isn't me.

& I didn’t leave for the same reasons as she.

Because that night, you told me you wanted to be “we”, 

and stupidly I believed that you and me could be such a thing 

& That next day, I was so happy to be alone because I waited for an arrival from a man that never came.

& That was the second time I hit rock bottom,

the first was leaving you.

Situations aside, I found light in my sadness. 

Poured myself in that promise I had made you.

In case you forgot,

in case you are still wondering why I left,

I left because I needed to find my passion.

I needed to find the path to my future and I needed to do it without you.

Why?

Because I knew, I loved you enough to be honest with myself that if I stayed, your future would be different. 

I loved you enough to leave you,

I left so you could do you.

Yeah, you didn’t understand.

Yeah you didn't wait,

and that's fine.

Because if we had gotten back together,

I would have done what I always did and put our relationship before my future.

It was then I experienced for the first time, educational success and personal health.

In case you are still wondering, I left because I needed to love myself enough to succeed for myself.

& if you don’t believe me,

take a step back to understand that when we dated again,

remember?

We talked almost everyday.

I helped you drink less and you helped me focus.

You wanted me to be Lana and the perfect wife.

& when we finally met, after almost a year had gone by, 

we made love like no time had passed by.

That painful sex, although orgasmic, felt emotionally tragic.

But if you still don’t believe why we couldn't stay “We”

If you still don’t see how I would always put my all into “We”, 

remember when I went to go see you?

Two times I travelled back into your arms.

Two weekends we stayed in each others arms, and although you promised…

although I was ready to make it work,

your fingers slipped through mine

& I hit rock bottom yet again.

It was then I saw myself again.

It was then life re-affirmed the reasons why I left.

Now, it has been another year,

& in case you're still wondering why I left,

I left so I could see how far you’d go,

& look how far you’ve come.

I’m so damn proud of you my love.

In case you’re still wondering why I left,

I left so I could find me,

and although I’m still learning to love me,

look how far I've come.

Never would I have imagined that I would find my passion.

Never would I have imagined that I could be this confident,

that I could have the potential to grow.

A rose so dead.

Re-planted in fertile soil.

I've grown thorns.

I’ve learned to say no.

& more than that I learned to see a future.

In case you're still wondering, 

I left because I loved you.

I left so you could leave me in the past & form your future.

& Although I still, and will always love you,

I left to find me.

& If in the future we find “We”

I hope we are in the same time and place to accept that we are meant to be.

Forever and Always

I love you b.