The Dark Dreaded C

Growing up I was always self conscious

With a pair of fried eggs

Dimples for nipples

which caused me much stress

 

Ashamed & embarrassed

Why were they so small?

I felt like an under developed

Child like mess

 

I hated my body

So much so

I couldn't look at myself In the mirror

I was ugly,

disgusting

Never felt so worthless & low

 

I gave birth to my daughter

The most beautiful sight

She looked perfect

And I created her!

My purest delight

 

She needed her mummy's milk

Mummy tried her best

She struggled so hard to feed

With these 2 fried egg breasts

 

I felt so inadequate

So hurt & scared the bond might break

I just didn't feel like a woman

I felt weak

"I'm just a pathetic mistake"

I longed to feel womanly

To be desired

To feel sexy

Like a typical page 3 girl

With a cleavage & curves

All confident & seductive

Attractive

 

So I had my operation

I'd saved up for my perfect breasts

I found a wonderful surgeon

Who worked miracles on my new chest

I loved them

They were my dream come true!

From completely flat

to perfectly perky

I felt like a real woman

Finally at peace with my body

I was just like brand new!

But then ......

4 years later

My world drastically changed

My left breast had suddenly

Began to feel strange

A lump near my pretty little perfect nipple

It was hard & sore

And then I felt a small inward dimple

The more I examined

The more I found

Lots of odd lumps and bumps

All the way round

I felt worried

This just didn't feel right

I was frightened & nervous

At the prospect of what it could be

We all are I s'pose

When we suspect

We have The Dark Dreaded C

So I booked in to see a consultant

Was poked with needles

Had Mammograms

And very painful biopsies

The test confirmed my darkest nightmare

A large mass of DCIS

Also stage 2 cancer

to my despair

Why is life sometimes so cruel?

It just seemed so unfair

 

Then she dropped the next big bombshell

Both boobies have to go

Nipples and breast tissue

Maybe lymph nodes also

To remove all the cancer

To check it's not spread,

Better to be safe than sorry

All a massive worry in my head

So I had the double mastectomy

Then encountered a problem the next day

The pain & bruising was unbearable

I prayed & wished for the pain to go away

A nasty blood clot had formed

In the bad breast and so

I needed an emergency op

To re-do it

to relieve the pressure

That was incredibly sore

In hospital for days

Bored & lonely

I lay and cry

On pain relief

My fave was Orimorph

That made me fly

I escaped for a moment

I was high

With 4 blood drains protruding

Through my newly battered breasts

I felt like an alien

And a drugged up mess

I soon recovered

I felt good

It didn't take long

As a single mother of 2

You have no choice

But to be strong

Then came the next hurdle

Of the Dark Dreaded C

Results - it's not spread

Yes! I'm cancer free!

However as I'm so young

they offered me

18 doses of Herceptin

Along with the typical

Chemotherapy

So I start with the treatment

The chemo is harsh

I have no luck

Nerve pain , nausea

Then I'm suddenly hit

by the big tax truck

My bones feel broken

My skin & muscles ache

My right hand loses sensation at times

My head itches & flakes

Metal taste in my mouth

Nose bleeds

Ulcers & migraines

The list is endless!

Steroids

Medication

The dreaded stomach injections!

Oh how ironic

This story is to tell

How long it took to get such perfect breasts

To be left with breasts from hell

Stupid Dark Dreaded C

You may have taken my confidence

My hair & both breasts

But in reality

All that truly matters is

I'm still here

My soul still dances for

You haven't taken me

"So blessed be"