Hair Washing Heralds Huge Happening

Hark….the herald angels sing, and twitter
for mass communication mediums stop the presses 
when I, a regular schlemiel
take shampoo to mine matted mass mop 
of straggly follicles, and commence
to dispense with the heady eco system
viz rare crop of flora and fauna 
(some rank as endangered species) rub and band together
to scratch envy of neigh bring ponytails 
and create quite an niche, and where also can be found
lousy knit wit vendors ready to scalp
and give shaft to razor sharp purveyors, 
who mane lee scout out available head room to nap 
without a stir, tub bed down 
(praying Holy Scott no wash out nor Harris mint occurs),
or burrow vis a vis, where subcutaneous porous droplet size 
water ship down pieces of prime residence found 
counting one mister comb lee bald faced realtor
amidst competing rival bulb buss scissor hands
(with knot to heavy a price toupee) 
affianced to rapunzel, whom he sheared split ends 
as her barber of civil, one dapper dan d ruff dude to offer 
lice cent shuss insects a tonsured cut above other stylish habitués
(preferring to fraternize, glad-hand, and hobnob 
amidst a cluster of big wigs housed by yours truly - Samson
in gleaming puffy pompadour pads tightly secured 
with the best dread locks, which harum-scarum
green barrettes serve as first line of rinse able defense 
IdentityGuard (with franchisee 
Bob O Link averse to split hairs, but fierce 
as a Mohawk and ring leader to protect any curl of mine) 
waving away intruders, who if insist tubby persistent 
and tangle with fate cannot expect camaraderie 
from buzz cutting crew i.e. the fuzz 
to give expletive filled lathering, 
severe shame poo wing subjugation 
plus an up braiding experience), and teach stragglers 
they will suffer a real perm in hint bang up job 
if they brazenly brush against brylcream of the crop 
rooted as rightful heirs (hairs) of tousled doo mane.