depression

To anyone who ever wondered what depression is, it is this; questioning yourself at every single minute, hating yourself, believing your worthless, and questioning what’s the point of living anymore. 

For over a year and a half now I have been depressed (it is not diagnosed by a doctor but I know). I FEEL SHIT ALL OF THE TIME! I question my self constantly, and if my friends actually like me. I scream at the way I look, and I’m dying inside. 

Like many depressed people I haven’t told anyone how I actually feel, as my emotions and feelings  are not a topic I EVER talk about. I’m a super emotional person, and constantly cry. I’m an ugly crier, and I don’t want anyone seeing me cry when I can help it. As a consequence of not talking, I bottle everything up and things get to me even more. Sometimes I cannot cope and I explode, with all of my emotions coming out at once. My heart stops beating and I cannot breathe. Luckily for me from panic episodes don’t last very long, however they usually last from around 5-25 minutes.

My anxiety tells me everyone hates me, and I’m not good enough. I always overthink everything, and as a result I sometimes just stay in as I’m to afraid, however I always try and do things outside my comfort zone. If I stayed inside my comfort zone I wouldn’t leave my bed, when all I want to do is explore the world. The only things holding me back are my age, and my confidence. I get this numb feeling when I’m around people that they secretly all dislike me, and judge me. I’m so worried about being by myself, however I love my own company.

Many nights I will cry myself to sleep, and then I cry even more that I’m so pathetic. All I ever want sometimes is a hug. My Mum and sister are usually around, yet I don’t want to explain anything, so I just sit in my room and ball my eyes out. I feel like I always let my family down. 

I suppose I have no idea who I really am, or what I want from life. People see me as a happy and outgoing person, however that was me 5 years ago, and I feel like I can’t change. Whenever I’m quiet or deep in thought people always question if I’m alright; sometimes I just don’t want to speak. I guess i hang around with ‘populars’ in my year. I massively feel like the outcast, I’m not pretty, funny, or good at speaking to people. Most of my friends have had boyfriends, however I haven’t really. I never know how to speak to boys, and I never have the guts to explain how I feel. There’s one boy I currently like at the moment. We have many mutual friends, and have spoken to each a handful of times, but not enough to show my personality; but is that a bad thing as I freeze, and say things I don’t really mean to. What I’m trying to say is that I’m socially awkward. I can happily talk to someone if they bring up certain subjects, and address me first, however I will rarely go up to a stranger by myself and speak to them. 

Basically is what I’m trying to say, depression is a massive head fuck. You never know if you’re coming or going. I’m scared of the future and what it may hold. I’m scared of not fulfilling my full potential; I have so many goals in life, that I would be disappointed if I didn’t achieve. I constantly doubt myself, and my self-worth.