FORSAKEN SAUCIUS BELLATOR

(STANZA 1)

It was the summer of 83 when I enlisted and the smell of Parris Island in the summer was unforgettable and memorable.

Short timer later Uncle Sam put a rifle in my hand and sent me off to the foreign lands to free the oppressed from oppressors, tyrants and commies and to spread the ideal beliefs of the American way for all those to bear witness to across the globe.

Thirty odd some years later I'm back home.

Or am I back home?

Or the better question is, will I ever be back home truly?

Often I'm sitting here pondering,

“How does anyone expect a man, like myself, to do the things I have done, and come back and be the same as I was before?

Especially all things I've seen and done, that has left an ungodly endless array of unforgiving nightmares of my guilt-ridden, sorrowful regretful memories, of all the things I did and that I’ll never be able forget ever, for this so-called life of freedoms liberties and equalities for myself and so many more misinformed, ungrateful, unappreciative people of this once great nation.

(CHORUS)
I’m fighting a losing battle of trying to find my way back to “normality” but it seems like I’ll never be home ever again.

And the innocence that once lived inside me has been executed by the demons that were hording themselves into the bleak, abysmal caverns where my soul once was awaiting to annihilate any notions of hope.

At this moment I have one hand clinging to the fleeting strands of hope while the other hand is gripping my gun with one round in chamber as I contemplate on either living onward or whether I should snuff out my own lights and do the world a favor.

Cause there are many who say I am the lucky one but there are greater masses who say I'm a charlatan that pour more salt and vinegar on my wounds to furthering make me question my worth upon this wretched life.

I feel like I’m lost between somewhere of being found but alone or already lost and condemned while journeying on the path of self-discovery

and damnation towards coming home.
Cause I am the Ill-omened Lucky Unhallowed Blessed

Forsaken Saucius Bellator.

(STANZA 2)
I'm scared to death cause I don't know who I am anymore.

And everyday it's feeling like I am one step closer to the last step off this ledge of no return.

For fucks sake I can almost feel the clutches of death getting tighter around my neck like a noose that's damn near close to asphyxiating last bit of life out of me as the devil's breathes upon my skin and whispers bittersweet taunts of I'm almost home.

In the past I’ve tasted a slice of the apple pie of what was good, and I’ve seen another way of life, compared to this unsweetened artificial life in front of me in the here and now that doesn’t seem to fair in any fashion.

Nd witnessing people who not deserve, the freedoms and the good American way of life given that was paid in full by those who willing to endure the sufferings of unfathomable agony and anguish which they incurred in the name of solidarity for all.

(CHORUS)

(STANZA 3)
Nd just the other day during some protest a man quickly approached me waving flyers in my face forcibly soliciting his fascist inquires,

" Son have you ever seen the world over?

Well if you haven’t do you know of all it's never ending tragedies that caused by this country?  

And son are you aware that we are near the end because of because the wars we're forced to fight in this name of so-called freedom preached by backstabbing politically incorrect bureaucrats and politicians!?"

I scoffed at him and replied  “ Yes I've seen the world over, far too many times in fact! No it is not solely this country's fault for all the tragedies and miseries occurring in some god-forsaken foreign land. Yeah as a matter of fact we are all near the end and not because of any politically incorrect backstabbing bureaucrat or politician it is because almost the whole damn human race has devolved into hapless overly sensitive insecure misinformed degenerates! And whether we lose or win in any war, conflict or police action it won’t matter the end will still come and we’ll all be doom. And also this still won’t be considered the greatest nation in the world!  

(CHORUS)

(STANZA 4)
Oh what has become of me!

My entire life went by in what seems like a blink of eye and the falling of a teardrop.

I tried running away from the past but it still didn't change the here and now.

I'm still so far from who I set out to be and even farther from being anything more than the monstrosity that war forged me into.

I hear people say it will change for the better and all this negative thoughts will subside.

Like the hell it will and how the fuck would they ever really know!?

Because only other veterans like me and the enemy knows the tales of woes and the over bearing burdens that weigh heavily upon my shoulders.

If they only knew how actually horrendously treacherous long nd windy and lonesome this road literally is for the rare few who travel upon it, like myself.

They’d know that I rather burn every bridge leading to who I am truly in order to prevent letting anyone get too close to me and be consumed by my darkness that's within.

Nd even if I could start again, I don't think it would changed the end of my life.

So once again I’m sittin’ here all alone with time to kill, staring at this hollowed eyed blank upon expressionless face trying so hard to not to remember all the horrendous deeds I’ve done and witnessed but also not trying to forget who I am truly somewhere deep inside of this battle-torn-worn soulless outcast.

Yeah in time I may forgive myself, but at the moment I can’t seem to find a reason to.

So I guess I’m doomed to let history repeats itself,

and have my soul burdened with regrets because it’s unavoidable it seems.

Nd it occurred to me not long ago, how damn near impossible it is to wage war against an enemy that lives inside of my head

That feeds off my miseries, regrets and woes.

Guess I’ll try and life in-between, the sleepless night and the constant battle of trying to feel as though I have purpose and that I might belong somewhere amongst this jaded world,

instead of thinking I’m better off rather dead than breathing.

(FINALE)
Ah naw, nobody but myself know that I’m fighting a losing battle of trying to find my way back to “normality” or knows that it seems like I’ll never be home ever again.

Nd everyone is aware that the innocence of my youth that once resided inside me has been executed by the demons that were hording themselves into the bleak, abysmal caverns where my soul once was awaiting to annihilate any notions of hope.

Nor does any person at this moment know or care that I have one hand clinging to the fleeting strands of hope as the other hand is gripping my gun with one round in chamber

while I contemplate on either living onward or whether

I should snuff out my own lights and do the world a favor.

And there are many who say I am the lucky one but there are greater masses who say I'm a charlatan that pour more salt and vinegar on my wounds to furthering make me question my worth upon this wretched life that I am feeling so lost between somewhere of being found but alone or already lost and condemned while journeying on the path of self-discovery and damnation towards coming home indefinitely.

Only because I am the Ill-omened Lucky Unhallowed Blessed Forsaken Saucius Bellator.