Why I'm An Atheist (An Open Letter To God)

Dear God,

It's me again. I know we haven't talked in almost a decade, but I think it's high time I tell you what's been on my mind.

Do you remember when I was young? A rosy-cheeked catholic girl walking down the aisle carrying a bouquet of prayers for you.

I did everything you were supposed to do. Dip your fingers in the water at the door and kneel before you sit.

Up, down, left, right.

Bible study was my favorite part about church, though.

Eating bread and reciting the "Our Father" until we had memorized it by heart.

I was taught that you loved everyone and everything because you created it.

(Except Muslims, people in the LGBT+ community, and anyone who went against you or your teachings.)

But after my first communion, we stopped going to church. Sports and school were suddenly more important than worshiping you. And even though I would say your name in the pledge, I never felt your presence like I thought I had before.

You.

Left.

Me.

It was when I turned twelve, five years after you left, that I came to the conclusion that you were never coming back. I convinced myself that maybe you had more important things to deal with like ending war or solving world hunger or doing anything but taking care of your own child.

Those years of uncertainty left me hollow with only one question: Where were you?

Where were you when I needed you? What about when Dad almost died three times before I turned thirteen? I wasn't even a teenager yet and you tried to take him from me!

Where were you when a pill bottle of mental issues spilled out of my wrists and onto the floor? God I needed you and you failed me.

I was thirteen when I told myself I didn't want to live anymore. I thought that maybe if I died then I could see you at the Pearly Gates apologizing to everyone you fucked over.

But no, that's not what happened. I'm alive and well, fighting my own battles without you. It took me nine years to finally love myself, nine years to finally support myself, and nine years to finally realize that I didn't need you to survive.

Despite all of that, though, I'd like to thank you for making me stronger.

Sincerely,

Me