Four letter word

How come I wasn't enough? Why is it that you thought she was better than me. I know I couldn't ride with you but why'd you let her have passenger if you loved me. Why'd you do this? Here it is 4:22 am and this is all I can think about. Did you kiss her while you made love like the way you do me so passionately, did your hands glide upon her body , when the sight is too good to be true so touching says it all ... without the actual words. Laying next to you eats me inside and out. You're here now but you were everywhere else but here before. Sometimes I feel speechless... even when I know what to say my tongue won't let me sound out the words that so badly need to be spoken. You'd also think it'd get better you know with "time". But it doesn't, along with the doubts, along with the insecurities that were already here but now have tripled, along with the words that need to but won't find the way out, along with the truth that I swayed so far from, I wasn't at all prepared for this. You never are it kinda just happens. That's why I can only blame myself, my stomach wasn't flat enough, my legs weren't scar free, my body wasn't an hourglass instead it resembled a vodka bottle that would soon be my companion, the one that would visit me every night as I consumed enough to not remember... not remember how mad I was at you, or how much I felt betrayed or as my generation calls it "trust issues" I even forgot how much you hurt me, I loved you most under the influence.. there's no book or even pep talk that can prepare you for something like this. There's not instructions or Guides it kinda just happens. The one four lettered word that can make someone feel , anxious, excited, loved , angry , sad & hurt and every other feeling that's capable of being felt.