A letter of Broken Dreams

I sit there still in front of the mirror.
You'd think I would be looking at myself but no,
I am looking at my small hand but focusing on what lies on top of it.
They are little red capsules, so little  yet so dangerous.

My mind starts to race, my body going numb.
I am thinking about everything and nothing.
I am remembering and searching.
Remembering what lead me to this, what got me to this point.
Every single word, every single action, everything and nothing that was done.
It's all in little whispers but they are so loud..

I'm searching, searching for that tiny spot of light.
For that person, that word, that anything really.
I'm searching for something to stop me, something, anything.
I blink and I come to reality again.

I look at the mirror and I can see that shiny tiny tear running down  my soft cheek.
In it, lays all the memories, all the words. All the love and all the hate, it lays my very essence.
I touch my cheek just to feel it's warmth for the last time. 
I touch my chest to feel that irregular heartbeat.
I touch my lips and despite they never have met someone, I wonder what a person would think of them.

It's time.
I smile one last time, memorizing my soft and beautiful face, my hard chest and the veins in my arms that meet in my hand.
I wait for someone to come and knock the sense right in to me.. but there's no one. I'm all alone, with my dark mind and my shattered dreams.
Slowly I raise my hand and bring those tiny capsules of danger to my soft warm lips and I take them in to my mouth.
My other hand is busy grabbing that glass of that beautiful glass of crystal water. 
I take it and let those capsules go down to my stomach and do their job.

I smile looking at myself in the mirror and say in a whisper
" Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe happiness just doesn't belong to everyone. But you are free now.. "
My voice weakens in the end of that whisper, I can no longer talk and my vision gets blurry. 
I fall on to the cold hard floor still awaken and I smile while my tears fall on to it.
I inhale and exhale heavily but not by choice. Until everything stops. 
I close my eyes and feel my lungs giving out. I feel my once irregular heartbeat become in to a regular silence.
My once pink warm cheek is now cold and colorless.

In my hand lays a crushed note duo to my strong grip as the capsules do their effect.
In it lays the simple explanation as to why this were to happen.
As to why life was no more for me. In it are written the words:
" I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry. I want you to know, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It wasn't easy nor a quick decision to do this, but it has to happen.
  I am sorry you will never hear my giggle or see my gentle smile. I am sorry you will never listen to my playing the piano so calmly nor feel the light in my eyes.
  It was too much and too little at the same time. Everything and nothing merged together. It was too much and not enough.
  Happiness and life weren't meant for me. But it's alright, I can be happy now. I can be at peace. 
  I want you to remember these words, these powerful words that I never had the pleasure of hearing.
  I love you. From the bottom of my shattered heart, I love you. 
  Goodbye everyone, now I can be happy. "