FUCK I CANT BREATHE

I have told you that I am broken
that I'm sore and weak
but yet you wait
you take a deep breath as I hesitate

looking for a way to come through the cracks waiting for my weakness to allow you back

How does it feel to know that only in a moment of weakness can you walk to my door

that in a moment of weakness is the only way you have any strength over me how does that not make you want to let me be

You say you love me
you don't even know what it is
you don't even know me
what you love is the parts of me that make you feel good
the parts of me that bring you pleasure
the rest of me is just to be put up with until you get what you want
what you need its all carefully planned and measured

Who I am
what makes me mad and sad and rage and cry and laugh
is just a byproduct of the parts of me that you need
the parts you have to put up with the parts you deem are crazy and irrational
or my favorite when all of my emotional pain is reduced to the word
tripping
as you trivialize me

but, I'm your medicine. a cure from the hot fever you carry so you take all of me, to the last drop. without hesitation

I am bigger than you will ever let me be
I'm bigger and stronger than the box you have built for me
I don't fit the mold but you don't care
you continue to hold me to the standard that I refuse to live bye where I lay silent, I mustn't speak, I don't dare

Where your poison and lies are to be forgiven and my growth is to be squashed
where you try to hide everything that is good in me
by burying me under your preconceived notion of what I should be

Fuck I can't breathe when you do that
I refuse
I refuse
step back
every time you open your mouth I'm under attack
and I don't even know why God why do I even try

I should be put on a pedestal for the thoughts in my head
the feelings in my heart
the rage that screams in my soul
But for that I am pushed down
Judged
for that you turn away leave me slain
If I break I may fit in the box your fucking box

for the parts of me that bring you pleasure I am put on a pedestal
treated like a queen to be touched and seen
as long as I don't open my mouth
as long as you can't read my words in my eyes
As long as I hold onto your arm and smile pretty as long as I don't look up let someone see me as long as I have nothing about me that isn't wrapped in you
Then I am worthy
but I don't think you're worthy to wrap around me
I think you've built yourself on deceit and lies
everything dark and distasteful

And I need the light
I need the sun
I need the moon
I need a place to grow
to scream to laugh at what I think is funny a place I deside the seeds that are planted. a place I know

When you passively aggressively call me a whore
or patronize the very deepest parts of me
it makes me sick
it makes me want to throw you through any open door
and close it and lock it,
Hear it click
and throw away the key because to be alone is better as long as I can be me