stabat mater

Nothing feels as profoundly miserable as being betrayed by someone close to you

crushed by someone you love 

someone who gathers you into their arms and strokes your face, and then turns around 

like they never knew you

did Jesus feel like that when Judas turned him over for fucking silver 

when he was beaten to pulp while John watched on?

did he hang his head in shame when Peter denied him?

Adonai

how do you move on from that?

how do you find strength to trust again

Adonai

please, what button do I have to press or class do I have to take or pill do I swallow to move on 

why am I always answered with silence 

always feel terribly crushed

Why am I always so tired

when they hung Jesus on the cross, and he had his view of the whole world before him 

did he weep for his betrayal or for the nails in his hands?

did he weep for feeling so utterly alone or the thorns on his head?

no amount of alcohol can numb these thoughts

i don't believe in god 

I don't believe in much these days

he should be comforted 

Adonai

at least Mary cried at his feet