Oceanic Anxiety

I'm terrified that it's not the world that's falling apart, 
it's me. 

Anxiety seeps into me like a raging ocean. 

I've always loved the ocean, 
it calls to me, it always has. 
The beautiful blue-gray waves, 
the wet sand beneath my feet, 
the vibrant seashells, 
the ocean calls to me. 
It calls to me with its violent storms, 
with its temperamental riptides. 
The danger is alluring. 

I love the feeling of icy water rippling over my skin
I love being swept under the waves, the salty water burning my lungs
I love it when it's raining and I'm out of breath trying to stay afloat
I love it when the wind is howling and I'm alive again as I fight the waves. 

The ocean calls to me, 
the danger excites me. 
But I can no longer pretend
that the ocean in my head
is under control. 

I'm drowning in my mind, 
I'm drowning in my thoughts. 
All of a sudden, the lack of air isn't so exciting anymore. 
Had I mistaken pain for pleasure and I'm just now figuring it out?
It wouldn't be the first time. 
The thrill is gone now and all that's left
is me fighting to keep my head above the water. 
And sometimes, I just want to let my lungs fill up
so I can leave this world in my favorite place:
the wild, raging ocean where storms brew and seagulls fly. 
Because sometimes, I think that I'd rather drown
than keep on trying to stay afloat. 
The cold pulls the heat from my body
and the waves drag my energy away. 

This anxiety is killing me, 
it's slowly draining me of my will to live. 
My blood is as cold as the sea
and my lungs are full of saltwater. 
I'm drowning in my mind
I'm drowning in the oceanic, titanic anxiety.

If only I could fly away, 
copy the seagulls and just fly. 
I would roam the sky above the ocean and the sand, 
I'd explore the place where the sea meets land. 

If only I could breathe underwater, 
copy the dolphins and just swim. 
I would roam the blue-grey sea, 
hell, I'd swim and swim and look for a coral reef. 

If only I could escape this world. 
If only I wasn't drowning in the oceanic anxiety. 
If only
If only
If only I wasn't consumed by the oceans in my mind.