Smog

It's extremely challenging and painful to smear my heart on a piece of paper. My thoughts are worth more than a piece of unseen writing but my words are not worth being spoken. Although my feelings are worth being shown. So I'm stuck. Really stuck. Exultant and vexing are quite possibly the worst combination of emotions that can pull on me at once. Equal forces are pulling me left and right and every moment of fulfillment comes along with a nervous, fretful smog. The kind of smog where you can only see 5 ft in front of you and no matter how much you squint your eyes you can't see clarity. So I'm just stuck, and It's my self-doubt, my indecisiveness that freezes me. So when I do decide to allow my curiosity take over. I ask questions, my blood boils over with hatred , scream I love you without realizing my subconscious has taken over my body, and suddenly, I begin to see a single tear run down my cheek. And it's in that moment when my vacillation shines so bright. I change from pink to a blue green in the midst of a second and my true colors are shown. how am I supposed to truly love anyone if I can't love the blue in myself? I love the red... but the red is what's tearing me apart inside.