Gap

Weeks ago I felt as if I could grasp my sanity letting it sway across my palm
Knowing it like I knew the back of my hand
Like I knew myself
I felt grounded
I melted into the Earth the same way magma solidifies
I felt complete

The smallest sense of a gravitational pull I got a hold of
Was soon gone again

I hate letting things I love go
Because that means they never needed me in the first place

I try to fill the gap
Tried gluing myself to the Earth by my own hope

I float away

I found myself wandering too close to the edge this time
Found my footprints in pity
Found my screams in the void
Found my heart in bits in pieces
Found my mind taking a walk of its own

Echoes of all the love I had haunt the hollow places I need it the most

Dwelling thoughts
and reckless feelings can
only be taken so far

Until they only make things worse

From that point on you mistake courage for aggression
Hope for desperation
Heart for technicality
Reality for falsehood
Yourself for every scar
Every tear that dissolves into the lonely times
Every night that was never bad enough
Every day that was never good enough

Let me go back
To five minutes ago when this wasn't permanent
When the scars didn't have to look back at me
No matter how hard I try I can't quite wash them away
Even when they heal, they stay.

Let me go back

To when I wanted to fill the gap.