Guilt for life

Everytime I prepare for the biggest event in my life it all seems to go perfectly but once your in that phase of going for the last push, I can't tolerate the negative emotions that my body feels and I can't control my mind.
I keep telling my self I'm holding onto something that i don't want to hold on, I think I'm just obsessed and nothing's real, I'm not being true to my self, I'm becoming vulnerable. I keep holding onto something that's not going to last something that's not benefiting me. According to science and religion a phase is just one state of mind but if your holding onto something your body constantly rejects then create a different path and keep strong because in this world it's just your self and the world practically, there's not anyone who will pick you up with satisfaction, just stand up tall because that's how this world works. Pushing me away so they get some space, I'm trying to run away from that situation because it will ruin my instincts. I see all my mistakes and I can't look into people's eyes, but I just want to hide away from all of that because being in love or being lost is a strange conscious to be in. Love lasts only once and that's only if you really believe in love and know the truth about it, but I hate it because it's hard but because it's not the right aspect of the mind. It's mentally controlling me and taking away the life that I once hoped for hope, happiness and life. But that's not possible. Being controlled by human nature being blind in trust being in a friendship that's just beyond the truth of your knowledge will eventually hurt you and begin to take away the life your living and completely make you feel guilty but you don't want that because your are better than that, there are millions of people out there who get on the verge like me or you and then they loose control and dignity just Mend your soul and go with the flow of what your heart presents to you and you constantly feel broken and tell your self that's life's not fair you begin to ask that question to your self again and again why do you feel so guilty?this is doubt and doubt kills your level of respect within you, it will lead to unpleasantness and make your feel destroyed just make a response for your self but a radical one. My response is : I pray and I pray for the best.i keep feeling sick of my own life I can't save my self when I drown into the worst situations I can't fix the broken pieces within me when it's been shattered by millions of actions. I would buy another soul if it was on sale, because hating my gut feelings is the worst part of being life because it gives me the worst feelings. I don't think get along with people is the right thing for me or maybe that's impossible because I wouldn't be living if it wasn't for certain people, maybe the truth is that the people are just not watching the reality behind people's mind or my mind I need to feel a distance between the magnet of repression between people who are self conscious and wrong, I need distance away from people and life I need to be alone and live my life alone because not thinking can stop me from achieving what I want I came he anything in this world.

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