Keeping Track

It's been a while since I've kept track of things
I've sorta made it a habit to not keep track
to get lost in the days and hours
Made it a habit to
float through the clock
swinging just like the arms
Carelessly
in the false wind

To not know how long ago certain things were
Or how long until other things
How long it's been since the blood spilled
or how long ago the last time my lips
parted for food was
How many times
I barely touched the plate
How many hours until I'd have to fake
more smiles
Or fake another meal
I wouldn't let myself remember
time

lately
I've fallen back into keeping track
My birthday is in a week
and I've realized I spent the majority of my year counting time
I spent my time keeping track of time
for at least 3 months I spent it losing track
I spent it noticing how much the scars have faded.
For that short
barely tracked, time
I felt okay.

But then
Relapse
I went back to keeping track
Numbers were an enemy, time was evil.
Don't ask me what time it is
Because I know exactly what second it is
And I don't want to
I don't like to

I like to get lost like-
The tick of a clock
Reminding me of your heartbeat
And your heartbeat
Well
Its timeless
I'm lost in it
In time
And I like it

I like getting lost in time
As much as i like getting lost in your eyes
It's been 5 months now
I'm lost, but keeping track
I know what hour of is, but not the minute
I don't known the day, but I know the date
I know numbers
I can easily count anything
Lies I've told
Meals
Cuts
Hours of staring at a screen instead of sleeping

I can count
Most things
But I'm still lost
I never fully count
Never truly am on track
Your eyes and their
Uncountable specks of color
Keep my grounded
With the timeless beat of your heart
That I can only hear
When you arms around me
Shield me from
The world

I'm lost but in reality
Keeping track