Society of the damned

 I always felt society was against me I began to ask myself why my paranoia and distrustfullness of others manifests and consumes. I always thought I was nothing special nothing different so why did I have to suffer and end up in such a state of brokenness. I started to hate and pity myself which resulted in a bitter and resentful person I could no longer control nor see myself as. I feel numb. Closed off and seemingly hurt everyone who is close to me..I've lost myself and slowly began to seep into depression a longstanding battle I have not yet won. The scars I've received from a hateful sinful society have reopened and the chains still bound me. I am a prisoner of my own memories where time seemingly stops and because I can not forgive them for such cruelty I suffered I shall not heal.I still think about those times where I would sit alone with my thought who would travel to some dark and disturbing places. My tormented soul would replay the most negative but truthful thing about myself. I would try again and again to change but it always resulted in failure. My attitude and demeanor about things seem like I don't care but the truth is I care too much. I've become some insecure broken delicate thing that needs to lick it's wounds every second in order to survive. My heart has been battered and abused and the trust I once expelled has been squashed and splatted on the pavement. My heart yearns for vengeance and redemption. Though I've had my fair share of pain and misery I no longer feel the need to fight for my own survival and continue to just let the plague of this society devour me whole. So that my existence is no more and the pain will cease. I've had enough of this joyride of hell and wish to permanently get off but because of my pride I shall not. I shall fight through it and share my experiences with others so that they may avoid  the negative.I still have a long way to go my life's no sunshine and rainbows trust me. I've been through hell to get where I am which doesn't account for much since I'm an unemployed student with loads of debt. But living for myself no longer caring about the opinions of society have brought me to a much needed sense of peace. I've made peace with my circumstances and promise to make it better so that the feelings I feel no longer torment me. Sure I'm still neck deep in regrets about past decisions I've made over time. But hey I'm still young you live and you learn. Overtime you learn to deal with the hand you were dealt and the pain others have caused you. You learn to stop living in misery cause the only one hurting you is you. You make the decisions.... Your in charge of your life. I've been called many things a horrible person even but the fact of the matter is I just don't care what you think wont make a difference I will no longer abide by the rules of society I wish to be free.