It's been 10 years since you left.
I can't count the times that I've broke down and I've wept.
Numerous times I've heard your mother cry herself to sleep.
Times I've sat and watched as your sister and nieces weeped.
Your children grew up without a father. Memories of the greatest and the present of emptiness.
Living life vividly through stories of your life, The ones before we were even alive.
Anger watching families walk down the street because of the jealousy eating away at us that we can't erase.
I say we but you see, my sister and I aren't as close anymore. And my brothers, well your wife refuses to let us see them. So you see daddy we're in living hell.
Wanting our family near but not too close in case they choose to go,because we can't face the thought of that pain you caused. Once was enough, twice it'll be our lives.
Speaking of lives, want to know how many times I've tried to end mine? I used to think if you chose to go you could come back for sure. You never returned home. Daddy you didn't even ring my phone.
Im 22 now and my heart is just the breaking 12 year olds remains. I can't comprehend what was so bad that you'd leave me. Im full of hatred, confusion and regret. Daddy are you proud yet?
It's been 10 years since you left.
I can't count the times I've broke and wept.
Your children grew up without a father. Memories of the greatest and the present of emptiness.
Living life vividly through stories of your life, The ones before we were even alive.
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Author:
Kayweejade (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: June 2nd, 2017 18:23
- Comment from author about the poem: This poem is about my fathers suicide, poetry is my way of letting out my bottled up emotions.
- Category: Family
- Views: 52
Offline)
Comments2
Welcome to MPS, Kay. So sorry for your loss. The pain eventually subsides.
Thank you 💖💖
Suicide always leaves those living in much more pain than the one's who didn't . It's a selfish act that assumes too little , too late .
I don't agree that it's selfish, nobody knows the pain and suffering people/my dad was going through. Here's something I wrote when I was going through darker days, if that's even a fraction of what my dad/people who commit suicide was feeling then hopefully you'll understand a little bit more.
Have you ever had them days when you don't want to get out of bed?
I have them everyday. Except I struggle to do the simplistic things. Like cook myself food and go to work. Getting dressed is a task in itself.
You see I have this monster inside my mind. It literally controls my life. The littlest things can make me feel so negative and push me over the edge. I tend to attach myself to people quickly then push them away suddenly as I don't feel worthy
enough to have them.
Everyday I want to die. I plan it in my mind in detail. I've tried too numerous of times. Been hospitalised because of it too. Some days I managed to talk myself out of it others the monster makes the decisions.
Sleep? Pah! I can sleep during the day no problem. Gets to a night time and BANG! I'm awake. Questioning every single thing in my life. Wondering why this happened, why that happened and how, if id only of done this, then that wouldn't of happened. Things that are Beyond my control seem to be my fault.
Talking helps apparently. You tell me how you're meant to talk to someone about something you don't understand yourself. All I know is something is controlling my life. And it's too much to take sometimes. I feel the lowest of the lows most days yet have to paint this plastic smile on my face just so people don't tell me 'to get over it'.
Most peoples opinions on mental illnesses (majority of my families opinions included) is that you let it take over.
I choose to be like this.
I choose to cry that much that I'm physically sick
I choose to stay awake 48hrs just because I wanted too.
I choose to tell myself I'm unworthy of this world and people are only there for me and nice to me because they feel sorry for me.
I choose to not eat.
I choose to nearly lose my job because I can't physically get myself out of bed to go in.
I choose to take that many pills I end up in hospital.
I choose to hang myself.
I choose to cut that deep I have scars.
I choose to scream out in my dreams for anyone to help me.
I choose to scare myself so much I'm writing this hoping when I re read it I will find a cure for my mind.
I choose to be fucked up.
I don't want to be like this, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's a horrible thing. You wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to walk it off, would you? Just because you cant see my problem doesn't mean it doesn't exist or I choose for it to be there..!! One day maybe I will be strong enough for this world. Until then I guess I'm just going to have to take each day as it comes and hope for the best. And keep this plastic smile on my face whenever I'm around people hoping they don't catch me of guard.
You should read my poem I posted here yesterday ,\"Thirty Years Later\" . I am quite familar with with suicide from both sides . It is everywhere . Even here at My Poetic side . The day I joined this site a young girl , Graveyardgirl , posted a poem called Goodbye . I left a short comment and to my surprise she befriended me that night . That was May 3rd this last month . Then on the 15th a poem / notice was posted by someone named Josie letting everyone here know that graveyardgirl had committed suicide on May 5th . Perhaps had I messaged and just talked to her she would still be here today . But my experience with suicide goes all the way back to my highschool years when a always moody friend of mine committed suicide by starting a car in a garage and dying of Carbon dioxide poisoning . That was very rare when I was young but it seems epidemic now . Even I have had suicidal thoughts when life had become unbearable and I had just given up . And I know of the darkness that overwhelms one where there is absolutely nothing . Darkness is something but there is a place where even darkness does not exist and it is terrifying . If I came over as one who does not know what they are talking about then I am sorry . I thought I was reserved . I hate it when people do that to me and I am sorry I offended you . But as long as we are talking then there is no one dying . What has gotten me through life is my faith in God . I don't go to church . Most of my life I was working everyday and there was no time for anything it seemed . Then one day I retired and realized I had lived to work not worked to live . My life was essentially over , the best part anyway . And all I had to show for it were two divorces and a son I seldom saw . And my retirement . I have many many poems on suicide but I am reluctant to post them as most people consider me to not be one who even thinks about it . That is the way though . Most people are shock whenever someone they know commits suicide because they had little idea that there was even anything wrong wth them . So give me a chance because I know way way too much about suicide , more than I every wanted to know . Please go read.my poem from yesterday . And if you look on my profile on favorite community poems you will find I have favorite only two poems . Graveyardgirls last poem ,\"Goodbye\" and the followup \"Notice\". Thank you for listening . As long as words are exchanging there is hope .
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