the beginning

there have been days where i have sat down and began writing

i have written stories of fantasy and stories of reality, some good 

other bad.

many times i find myself sitting in bed listening to music and typing away on my shitty laptop trying to find a way to convey my feelings into words, i have tried to sit here and write what i am feeling and allow myself to let this weight off of my chest up

but i simply cannot.

so here i am on a sunday night in bed, listening to music with an aching back and a stuffy nose barely breathing as i try my best to convey my feelings into words.

and i am trying to writ down as quickly as my fingers can type how i have been feeling for the past month but i cannot, so much has happened i can simply not keep up and i am losing this race, so i will try my best to deliver.

may was an eventful time for my slowly falling apart relationship, lots of things happened that i can still not come to terms with and when i think about it my head aches, i began writing letters, to let out my pain.

my letters did not work and it only dug a deeper pit of whatever i am in right now, my partner read one of these letters where i had been at my worst and decided to write down all my feelings down on a piece of paper and let his blue hazel eyes read it

it was a bad decision on my part but also on his, he ignored me for the rest of the day, gave me dry looks and shy smiles like we were kids meting for the first time 

like everything was okay when it really wasn't 

and when the day was over and the awkward glances on the bus had ended i rushed off of the bus and ran home until i fell into a heap on my bed tears falling out of my eyes 

because my heart ached for him when his heart didn't do the same for mine.

but it was okay right? because he texted me half an hour later with a shitty apology about how we were fine when we were not and he told me things that for whatever reason he could not say to me on the bus when i was begging him to speak to me but no everything was fine because i had thought that he cared and that he actually loved me when he didn't, he can't express his feelings to me in person but  when he is lying on his couch hiding behind a screen he can tell me things i have never expected before

he can lie to me and pretend like he did not do it.

weeks passed with no fights and then of course me, i did something

i always do something, he did not get angry at him when i was the one being forced into a kiss with a guy i do not like

he did not get angry at him when he kept touching me and grabbing me like i was his.

he got angry at me when he kissed me while i was in his grasp

like it was my fault when in reality i did nothing, my hart was breaking as i watched you do nothing to him and continue to laugh at his jokes and snicker and glare at me like i did something wrong when i did nothing at all

i did nothing at all and you copied that action of doing nothing because you did not care enough to do something.

anything, i was begging you again that day on the bus when i begged you to speak but you did not, you only looked at me as if i was some type of disappointment and once again i ran home and cried until you texted me but no this time it was different

this time you were mad at me so you asked why i did it and then told me to never speak to this guy again because he mad you jealous but you never asked me if i was okay

if i cared that you had so many girls flirting with you and that it was okay for you to come to me and be mine but talk to all these girls

so many girls.

girls i had no idea you were talking to, girls i hate with a burning passion

girls who make me jealous but i say nothing

i say nothing.

this is a note to you

a not i hope you never read

because you make me so angry

yet i still love you

how?

i don't know

but i do

i

love

you.