Meet Me at Midnight

I am the self-isolator , the hidden soul

I wonder if through these eyes they can hear my internal cries from deep down in my soul

I hear muffled cries

I see a lost girl trying to find her path through all these lies that have crossed her feet

I want to find my genuine happiness , I want to find my smile

I am the self-isolator , the hidden soul

I pretend to be happy when I actually want to wallow

I feel like I'm always wearing a mask or putting up another wall to block the feelings so no one can see me fall

I touch the hands of caring hearts but I only see in black and white and the horrible thoughts

I worry that if I show them the real me nobody will like that what they see

I cry the thought of seeing another therapist or hearing “honey I'm sure this will help you “ because

I am the self-isolator , the hidden soul

I understand that everyone wants to help but I'm trying to stand 5-feet tall

I say “I’m Fine “ or “I’m okay” but in reality I'm drifting away

I dream of the perfect life , the perfect love , but it’s just a perfect lie

I try so hard to see in color but every time,

everything goes darker

I hope that one day I'll find the girl everyone claims is me because

I am the self-isolator and  the hidden soul

I’m not a cookie cutter shape ,

I am the undefined ,

I am me …

Seeing in color is more painful than then the gray and gunshots

I can never let anyone see the real me because the girl isnt real

She was there when I was 2 or maybe 3

But since then she's had to fight …

Fight ….

Fight …

And i'm tired of fighting

No one ever helps the lost girl .. they just take the poor little girl

Take her to hell to let her suffer

or maybe heaven just to push her off the clouds

But , somehow .. someway she picks herself up, off the ground

She walks this rough path

and the way to find her

You need to meet her at midnight

~ Izzie 2016