Bodies

I don't know how to start these things.
Sometimes I wonder if that's what the universe said when it created depression.
Sometimes I wonder if that's what social standards whispered in the locker rooms right before making their ideal body type.
Sharp and jagged, fragile and weak.
I can never tell the difference between this standard and glass
Scratching at my skin until bright red
Hoping the fat will just fall off
Fat.
The word is so ugly, only 3 letters yet it still takes up too much space.
I think of insult
Skinny.
I think of bones
I think of 6 letters
I think of compliment
A longer word than fat and yet it still doesn't take up the entire room.
Not knowing my body was an issue until 5th grade
11 years old believing I am not good enough
A lot of time spent slouching in the couch cushions watching videos because it felt like the only place I could fit
Becoming more and more antisocial by the day
My mom asked me when I was only 11 “why do you always walk with your head down?”
Because I don't want to see the world.
It’s too big, too vast, too fat, too loud.
And I don't want it to see me.
I don't want it to think the same thing about me.
To this day, I tell myself that “I just have to try harder than other people to be beautiful.”
Since when did being beautiful become a craft.
Become the kind of sorcery you only witness when you fall in love.
The kind of feeling you get when people say “you'll know what love feels like when it comes.”
To this day, my legs shake and give from the time I spend at the gym
To this day I don't skip over my plastic affirmations
Reminding myself not to eat when I get home
Persuading myself to believe that big girls don't cry
On this day, I look to the bright side wondering where it went.
I wonder when torturing myself became a positive
I wonder where humanity went when it lead me into this plus size rabbit hole.
There's always going to be something so dehumanizing about being overweight.
Models can't just be models.
They have to be plus size models.
And clothing stores can't just be clothing stores.
They have to be plus size clothing stores.
People can't just be people.
People need to be perfect.