Your Ghost

Your Ghost

Bless, you thought you had it this time, pities heartbreak,

Opening its arms in an embrace familiar to that of a grandparent

The smell is stale yet oddly comforting.

In this at least you can trust and you've not had much reason to trust have you, little one?

Yet it scratches at your skin like wool on a jumper that doesn't quite fit,

That you have to wear against your will 

While awkward, uncomfortable you feel too much.

The words echo in this familiar space. 

It's dark here, baby.

You're the light, his light so he said, but he has shut it out.

You must remember this, he he he

Pronouns are important. Repeat it

like he repeatedly left.

Why do you care? 

Why do you long for someone who has used your bright flame to burn away your confidence?

Why does an old feeing hurt anew?

To be disregarded, unwanted and unloved.

What do you want?

Him. Though he never asked what you wanted.

Why him? You've never felt so beautiful.

You've never felt so hurt, such ugly hurt

Bar the last time. 

You aren’t blind to what this is, just choose not to see, preferring the darkness that hides the truth. 

You want it all, to find him in the dark, but not this.

This echo. 

This absence. 

This loss.

This is cruel.

Six months before you no longer needed to always remind yourself to breathe

Though days long rode treacherous thoughts, thoughts that peck peck peck at the corpse of pretence, The pretence of being a person. 

The body disappears, but that feels good. It's something you can control, rely on.

Dangerous.

You must retrain yourself to eat, not to waste away like he wasted you. 

Your song is on the radio. Remember when you fucked to that? That's when you knew you were in love with him. You felt it. 

Turn it off. 

You're an idiot, fooled again.You let him play the records you couldn't bring yourself to hear. 

You let him use you, twice, the song repeats.

The gear change, your hand on his. The kiss at every traffic light.

A war fought within, but one can not win a war alone. 

And you're a smart girl who deserves peace.

You have courage, while your lion has proved only his cowardice. 

The unanswered questions:

Why come back to leave again?

Am I a joke?

Am I worth nothing? 

Am I strong enough to withstand this,

To not wish for it again?

How callous are humans? This human being. 

Am I mad?

Am I a lie?

Are we a lie?

There is no ‘we’ in a heart so self obsessed.

But how am I worth anything if I can be left so easily?

You are worth less

Less than a message

Less than your time

Less than your word that leaves a fool to be so fooled. 

The sheets need changing. 

The mug by the side of the bed

Now a shrine to a love ripped away

When will it stop?

When can you trust your heart that wants you to keep trying

Beating against repeated rejection?

But you were right, whispers the ghost. He came back before.

He said the right things. It was real. 

You can't fake that you scream to the empty rooms he isn't standing in.

But you know this is not you, pricks that old friend pride.

You are moral, strong, ruthless.

What has he done? What have you let happen to us?

It's ok baby, you've been here before. These sad eyes in the mirror, they recognise you. 

They blink, blurry as you make a coffee. You drink it. You drink. 

You are strong.

Strong means alone.

You repeat, you mean less than a message. The rapping of thumbs on a screen that takes seconds, seconds that fill minutes and hours and days and weeks of chosen abandonment.

But he missed you for six months, didn't he?

This is just a bad time.

Cancel the hotel.

Cancel the promised future.

Cancel the hope that rises up like bile.

Last time you had no choice.

This time you invited him in

Because you are a person

Who truly loves if they say they do

Who fights

Who sticks around

Not just when someone suits to make you feel better

Not someone who disappears at the sign of a tear

Not someone who lies

Not someone who pretends

Not a ghost