hiding in the shadows

When I was young I remember not remembering.
Not capturing that memory.
Not feeling that feeling.
Not having the whole that needed to be filled.

I was young so I never understood.
never understood what was really happening. Why the world was moving in a different direction. Why my life was so different.

Not having you never bothered me, but I never knew what it felt like to have you.

So how can someone want something they have never had?

I was young so not having you became the only thing that was right. Became the only thing I knew.
It became the store of my life.

You were always a stranger to me. I only ever knew your name.

Dad?

No. Not that one!

Your name. your birth name!

You were now someone I knew off the street someone I could pass by any day and never knew it was you.
No.

You tried. you tried to see me, but you lied. You have become one of them.

You've become someone who told me lies and never showed up.
A man that I never knew, but was willing to try to know.

You FAILED!

You did it again!

Your disappearance I'm now immune to. My life have become a revolving door. Something you keep walking in and out of.

I never got that father daughter bond. Nor those things fathers teach their daughters.

Your not a father to me , but a stranger in the shadows.