A FADING FADED MEMORY...

*SIGH* Alas, alone once more during my darkest loneliest hours which have arrived once again. And clearly, it is the best time to begin sifting through my past... Look at that! I can hardly believe what I found! I've just learned of all the mountains of sadness that I never could quite move or downsize them but rather instead I just forgot they existed? Mhm, how very strange. And as I'm sitting here in the lonely darkness shifting through the ashes of my yesterday's, I suddenly feel the agonizing anguish that has been lingering heavily upon me for some time more than ever. It neither has held me down or back rather it just lingers ever so presently like a shadow. It is during these darkest hours that I have realized there isn't any more room for any further wounds upon my tattered heart. Also during these lonesome darkest hours, I've come to terms with the mere fact that I alone bear a burdensome cross of wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders along with my sorrowed regrets. When suddenly I'm reminded of all the times I had been taken for a fool. And the numerous times that I let so many take the time to sharpen their knives stupidly waiting for them to stab me once again with the jaded trust that I had given out so easily. Fuckity Fuck!! How could I've been so foolishly idiotic not to have recognized so many sinners were actually dressed as saints dealing out lies, half-truths, deceptions, betrayals, apathy.... (Looks in the mirror) Well, for shit's sake! Ya kind of caught me off guard. Yep, that right you've caught conversing with the ghosts of my yesterdays, now haven't you? Well, you must know I was just debating with them about whether or not this godforsaken life is nothing more than a lie and a sham. Sort of wishing someone would've just walked in and noticed that I look as though I was in peril. But Alas, not a soul has nor does it seem as they ever will. So I shall do myself a favor and just breathe in and breathe out and confess unto my ghosts of yesterday's all that ails me. Whether it is in regards to all or any of my doubts, fears, insecurities or how I haven't been able to trust anybody ever really. For they shall earnestly listen ever so closely and they'll also most certainly be very attentive to whatever my heart somberly pours out...

Mhm, how I wonder if anyone sees me as more than just flesh and bone? Nd is there anyone who would ever dare to notice all of the scars beneath the layers of sadness? Or is there anyone who'd be willing enough to look deep into my eyes and recognize how much I'm actually hurting at this very moment? And is there anyone who truly cares about the inflictions they do heedlessly unto me? Overall, from what I do gather none whatsoever actually do care about the cause and effect of their shortcomings. But despite all the aversion and antipathies from everyone and by anyone I do acknowledge the martyrdoms in my life that have and will continue to occur. Because I concede to the indisputable fact that they are inevitable and unavoidable. So consequently I've decided instead of trying to resist or ignore the obvious unavoidable outcomes of such peril I have actually chosen to embrace any and all struggles that may come with the afflictions that might befall unto me without rhyme or reason. So may there be none who wish I become a fading memory...

But, I do not fret if anyone sees me as more than just flesh and bone. Nor do I worry if anyone never dares to notice all of my scars beneath the layers of sadness. And never am I bothered if anyone is willing to look deep into my eyes and be able to recognize how much I am actually hurting at this very moment. Is there anyone who truly cares about the inflictions they do heedlessly unto me? Well, overall, from what I've gathered, none whatsoever actually do care about the cause and effect of their shortcomings. But despite all the aversion and antipathies from everyone and by anyone I've learned to acknowledge the martyrdoms in my life that have and will continue to occur. To the point where I concede to the indisputable fact that they are inevitable and unavoidable. So consequently  I no longer resist or ignore the obvious unavoidable outcomes of such peril. But rather instead I embrace any and all struggles that may come with the afflictions that might befall unto me without rhyme or reason. So as though I do not ever become a fading memory...

Even though I am saddened by the audacious hypocrisy that has been thoughtlessly done unto me. I shall not mourn the hardships of my yesterday's. Nor will I bemoan over the calamities of my yesteryears. Instead, I shall rejoice in the fleeting moments of temporary blissfulness to which I am forced to beg, borrow, and steal from whatever means I'm able to. I now realize that I must walk audaciously but also warily amongst the vulturous two-timing treacherous conniving thieves. Do I have any clemency, hope for any of mankind? Absolutely positively not a chance in hell do I! For shit sakes, my ability to have compassion or hope for humanness died right along with the possibility of there being any redemption for it. For now the only empathy, sanguineness, hopefulness I have for anything is just myself. Because for too long there I did not have any for myself, instead I had foolishly credited unto the inhumane insufferable humanity who took it for granted and were unappreciative of it...

And notwithstanding of all that I've been through, I no longer wonder if anyone sees me as more than just flesh and bone. Nor do I care whether or not if anyone ever notices all of the scars that are beneath the layers of sadness. Or if anyone ever looks deep into my eyes and is unable to be aware of how much I'm actually hurting at this very moment. And the truth regarding whether or not if there is anyone who truly does care about the inflictions they do heedlessly unto me? Whelp, overall, from what I do gather none whatsoever actually do care about the cause and effect of their shortcomings. But despite all the aversion and antipathies from everyone and by anyone I do acknowledge the martyrdoms in my life that have and will continue to occur. Because I concede to the indisputable fact that they are inevitable and unavoidable. So consequently I've decided instead of trying to resist or ignore the obvious unavoidable outcomes of such peril. I have actually chosen to embrace any and all struggles that may come with the afflictions that might befall unto me without rhyme or reason. Hoping not to become a fading memory...

And sadly I've painfully watched everything I've ever held dear slip away for me an instant for no good apparent cause whatsoever just because their love for me had all but faded into obscurity. There were too many yesterday's that I bled my heart out for those who were actually more emotionless than emotional, as in regards to how they felt about me and I wasn't any of the wiser of their dubious intentions. And for the longest time now I've searched for answers as to why people who do as such to someone who was so kind to them. Only to wind up having to bury my unanswered questions in an unmarked grave in the cemetery for all my chapters of goodbyes, all my shoulda coulda wouldas, my numerous unforgiving regrets and all of my deeply treasured memories and recollections. And yes, strangely enough, I admit all of these oddities hold significant meaning to me in some way or another. And little does anyone know or probably care that all those significant memorable totems are the things that I have so chosen to define who I am to be and not the other way around. Yet there is a lot of people who do not see them as such. And I have learned that other people's perception of you or things that you hold dear or cherish, is based on whether or not they have the ability to grasp the meaningful concept of the abstract of such profound significance of what a means to you. Sadly whatever they conceived you to be shall be,  the basis on which they and so many other will determine your true character on...

So despite all that has happened to me throughout my lifetime, it is no wonder why it no longer bothers me if anyone sees me as more than just flesh and bone. Or if I care whether or not if anyone ever notices all of the scars that are beneath the layers of sadness. Or if anyone ever so wishes to look deep into my eyes and be able to sense how much I'm actually hurting at this very moment. And as to the truthful regards on whether or not if there actually is anyone who truly does care about the inflictions they do heedlessly unto me? Whelp to be frankly honest, overall, from what I know, there isn't a single dastardly bastard who actually cares whatsoever about the cause and effect of their shortcomings. Yet despite all the aversion and antipathies from everyone and by anyone I do acknowledge the martyrdoms in my life that have and will continue to occur. Because admittedly I concede to the indisputable fact that they are inevitable and unavoidable. So I have done decided than rather trying to resist or ignore the obvious unavoidable outcomes of such peril. I rather instead chose to fully embrace any and all struggles that may come with the afflictions that might befall unto me without rhyme or reason. In hopes, I do not become a fading memory...

While now standing here looking out onto the aftermath, witnessing the storms come to an uneasy calm. I noticed that the rain has begun to wash away the soot from the ruins of my painful yesteryears, so that I may try to begin anew once again. But without warning the memories of war begin to fade into such vivid existence forbidding me to do as such. Nd somehow I can never bring myself to bid farewell to what once was and to whom once was living. And as the day comes to an end I find myself staring out into the twilight sadly realizing all that I once knew is becoming nothing more than gradually fading memories, just like the sun that slowly sets into the East. Furthermore, as I stood there I also ponder the curious thought will my memories rise once more again just as the sun does every morning in the West or will they remain just forgotten memories for all the rest of eternity? And as day becomes night I gaze out into the blackness seeing the hollow shadows of the storm clouds as they begin to roll in. When suddenly a flash of lightning cuts deeply into the blackened sky, it illuminates the pitch black of my solitary night, almost as if to hint that there is a light within the darkness and that I can be a light in my own darkness if I so choose to be as such. Then as I step outside it begins to rain but it is not wet droplets of rain that I feel upon my face. But rather instead it feels more like the sky had opened up and begin scattering the ashes of my past upon my face blackening all that is and was in front of me. It almost felt as though a veil of sorts had been placed back over me. Surely enough it became harder to see, and as it rained down even more furiously than before it grew even harder to see than before. It was then that I just shut my eyes and begin thinking to myself; I am more than flesh and bone. And I do not care not if anyone cannot see the scars beneath these layers of sadness. Do not look into my eyes for there isn't a single soulless twit who is truly empathetic enough to be slightly understanding of the pain that I feel every waking hour. Furthermore, I do accept the fact that there is not a single person in this world who cares they hurt me or has treated me as a lesser. All of their transgressions and shortcomings shall be their downfall, not mine. Yes, I have had my fair share of aversion and antipathies from so many people but I couldn't fucking care less about them! And as for all of the martyrdoms in my life that have and will continue to transpire, I shall take them all into accountability. I am done trying to avoid, resist, defy and even ignore the inevitable outcome of my perilous journey, it's high time that I just face the unavoidable truth and fully embrace and accept any and all struggles that I may befall unto me without rhyme or reason, in the here now as well as in the days to follow right until the bittersweet end when it is time to shed my mortal coils...  

In the long and short of it all, that during the worst chaotic storms of my life, I have learned to dance in the amidst of the thunderstorms never letting myself be completely rusted. Always doing my part to make my life be the best it possibly can be from the shitty hand that I have ever been dealt so far in in this godforsaken wretched life. And I've gotta just keep calm and carr- Oh, who the fuck Am I kiddin'!? Keep calm and carry on my ass! I can't calm, I'm a Devildog! So instead I'll keep pissed off and endure falsely acknowledging that I am not a faded memory... *ARRRGHHH!!!* (Walks away from the shattered mirror)