why?

why do i lay awake at night thinking of you?? such a distant thought in my brain seems to be the most occurring. never close but our hearts were. the mention of your name makes me cold but the thought of you makes me warm. our humor was a connection no one could understand. "you're very pretty" you said but that was only a comment. the idea of you saying those three words made me fall. i fell deeper and deeper throughout your comments. and it only got worse. the butterflies in my stomach arose everytime your name lite up my phone. i type these words in secret. the theory of you knowing what i thought would kill me. no feelings. no feelings. but they still welcomed themselves into my heart. you don't deserve it. the feelings i have. the fondness i have for you. you had to earn it. but you weren't a hard worker. your mother gave you everything and you never had to work for it. and yet i did the same. i gave you my heart. my life. my soul. but it wasn't enough. you needed more. and i tried to supply more. but no result. it was like trying to fix a broken machine. i gave it more and more gasoline. but it pertained to be fragmented. just like us. "distance doesn't matter". that was only a deception you told me. you told me a lot of those. i knew they were wrong. but i ignored it. attached is the word to describe me. fond of everything that you would type. until it took a toll. jealous is what it turned into. jealous of others and how they made you feel. you were a star at your school and i was yet another high school teenager. you played soccer and i would sit and wait until your name would light up my phone. giving me butterflies like usual. it never did. it was dark. "he's busy" "i'm sure he'll text me later" see you had me fibbing to myself as well. scrolling through instagram and i came upon a somewhat staggering post. "don't text him first and see if y'all ever talk again" then and there i knew. i didn't even have partake in the venture. crying. why. why are my cheeks wet. for you. pathetic. arguments with myself. a devil on my left shoulder and an angel on my right. arguments. heartbreak. for what. you're just another boy. a boy who doesn't care what others think. dudes rule the world right. sorry but your assumption doesn't fit this category. the hatred that comes from your presence only gets stronger. the distaste of your voice only makes me loath you even more. but yet i still argue with myself. "he was there for me" "he made me feel myself" the constant bickering with myself drove me only to tears. it will happen again. this whole boy thing. this whole hurting thing. but for some reason your still here. your still knocking on my brain at night. and your still tapping on my thoughts. no i don't wish the worst for you. but i also don't wish the best. that's for me. i will show you. i will show you all those little deceptions you told me were true. heartbroken is what you will be. shattered is what you will be. and where will i be. in a place i was always meant to be. my happy place. a better place. with a secure heart. until then i will argue. i will cry. but it's a process. and i will only get stronger from here