Seams stitched by an angel,
Unpicked by the devil.
Weeds from the garden, a basket of thorns.
An overgrown nest of tousled hair,
Eyes of blue, heart of glass.
Fragile.
A possession of ailments,
A handful of pills, a cheap cigarette.
"That'll do the trick" the doctor says.
A skittering, a spattering,
A current passing through the shattered pane.
Pulse after pulse.
I sit, awaiting the reaper,
(he's ten years too late).
To cut my broken puppet's strings.
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Author:
Owen Peak (
Offline) - Published: July 5th, 2017 10:46
- Category: Sad
- Views: 36
- User favorite of this poem: Lana-Mae G.
Offline)
Comments3
I relate so much. Absolutely beautiful poem.
Thank you so much xx
I am quite glad that you decided to put pen to paper in regards to your feelings. You have a lot of good elements, some shaky elements, and thankfully you have avoided having anything Ugly in it.
For the good. Your first two stanzas are quite amazing. The way that you paint a picture of this puppet being deconstructed by the sin of the world, and explain the sensitivity that is in all of us. Is quite amazing.
The Bad your last three stanzas don't fit the first very well. The fourth does the best, but in regards I am left asking the question who is this doctor? Is he the one that is killing the puppet? Was he introduced because he is the reaper? Then I am left wondering how the puppet is going to have his strings cut if they already have been cut. It gets a bit confusing and garbled.
The ugly. You have avoided doing anything ugly. This is a credit to your prowess as a poet.
Your poem has it's strengths just like you do, and I think it needs some work to have those other stanzas fit your first two. Maybe, you could introduce the doctor as the devil in a more precise manor? Also, whats the point of the cigarettes and pills? Do they relate to the puppets death? If they do I would make that a bit more clear. If I were to grade this poem I would give it a 7/10. I invite you to come and look at my poem(s), and tell me what you think of them. I always invite critiques.
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate your feedback and will check out your poems when I get a chance. Xx
Thank you Owen! Glad you liked my critique hoped it made sense.
It's a lovely poem that really captures the sadness you wanted to portray but I think you may want to consider more ambitious vocabulary in later poems! I look forward to reading more!
thanks Lana xx
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