The Truth

Comments5

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  Stephen.Sapaugh July 5th, 2017 12:00

  Kendra, I am very delighted that you have put your pen to paper, however the P.S that you have included in the poem is very apparent in the reading. I think this is a really great first draft of amazing things to come. The flaws in this poem is something I liked to call forced Rhyme. You have a lot of words that rhyme together all shoved next to each other, and it detracts from the over all meaning of the poem. You also have way too many metaphors working at once. I have a similar poem that has the same problems that this one does here it is entitled Eschaton, " The dew falls on all,
  And yet some need it more,
  Still the still rains are quieted
  Until the dawn is lured,
  A fish bites on good worms,
  The bird will fly straight,
  The hooked trout swims away,
  Geese know their autumnal place of rest,
  And humanity marches to winters edge. "
  
  I personally like the metaphors that are in this poem, and how they work together building on one another, but right now it is lacking in that the first introduced metaphor doesn't flow with the others. So I know that I have to change it to better accommodate the rest. You compare being dishonest to ghosts then drop it, and pick up the pliers metaphor then drop it, and make a metaphor out of bursting. I think you would be better to expand upon one of these, and keep the poem related to it. For instance you could talk about a dishonest Dentist that pulls out extra teeth or charges more just to make an extra buck, and then he gets sued and thrown in prison for malpractice. That would fit your tooth metaphor well. I hope this review helps, and for a quick poem I am glad that you actually used punctuation which a lot of people lack. So due to your P.S note, and your adding of punctuation which I greatly appreciate if I were to grade this poem I would give it a 5/10.
  
  P.S Hope this review helps, and I hope you can review my poems as well.

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    kendra_dawnnJuly 9th, 2017 16:33

    This really does help. I love your honesty instead of just telling me this was great writing to make me feel better. I actually changed my major due to the poetry I used to write in my 11th grade English class and aim to improve any way that I possibly can! I will definitely review your work as well 🙂

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  burning-embers July 5th, 2017 14:00

  Kendra, anyone tries to give you rules about writing poetry, then i suggest you should take their rules and hang them on a nail next to the john. Poetry has to evolve into wherever it will by people like you doing whatever you want with it. It's 2017 and punctuation and spelling are already in demise. The english language is a method of communication only and you communicated beautifully. Excellent effort, and please let us see more of your work here.

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  just a girl. July 5th, 2017 23:47

  This is amazing, expecially for such little time! Great job!

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  kendra_dawnn July 9th, 2017 16:40

  Thank you all for the honesty and confidence in my writing (which I sometimes lack). I appreciate you taking the time to review my work! I will try to do the same for you 🙂

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  FredPeyer July 11th, 2017 11:46

  Kendra, I do like your poem just the way it is. Am no expert though, just another writer. Yes, it could probably be improved. Somebody (can't remember who) once said that there is no good writing but only good re-writing. I found that sometimes when I try to improve on something I wrote, it actually gets worse. But a lot of times it does get better. All I can say is write for yourself. If you feel it is good, then IT IS GOOD!

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    kendra_dawnnJuly 11th, 2017 12:26

    I remember that saying too! Now I'm stumped on who said it, urg. But thank you for reminding me of that; nothing is every perfect, but it can always be good and most of the time better!