You Won't Know

You won't know this but I don't fall easily.
You won't know this, but in the first week of messaging each other I drunkenly told my friends that I found my wife.
You won't know this, but I remember the date of our first date. September 14th.
You won't know this, but when I first saw you standing against that pole waiting for me I was so nervous yet drawn I turned back three times whilst I thought of something funny to say to you.
You won't know this, but when you put your arm around my waist whilst I pretended to walk away, when you innocently touched my knee in a friendly way I felt something that I've not felt in years.
You won't know this, but that night I've never smiled so much to myself as I drifted off to sleep.
You won't know this, but the second date, and after some Dutch courage, and I made the first move, and you pulled me closer, I didn't want that moment to end.
You won't know this, but that next morning in your bed, in your arms, I felt wanted, beautiful, and happy.
You won't know this but I forgot what that felt like.
You won't know this but at some moment on that morning I knew you were someone I didn't want to let go of. I wanted to know everything about you. What makes you tick, what excites you, what you love, what you hate.
You won't know this, but when things came to an end after a few weeks because you were just not ready and you said that you were unsure of us being something, I was upset. I cried. I cried on the way to work, I cried at work, I cried after work. I said I'd still be your friend because I didn't want to lose you from my life. Someone who made such an impact to me in those 2 months, how could I just cut you out?
You won't know this but when our friendship took off and going back to constantly texting each other, every day, my feelings that I had for you only increased.
You won't know this but I went on three dates between Nov-Jan, and all I could think about during those dates was you. You text, I'd sneakily reply whilst the date wasn't looking.
You won't know this but as our friendship developed and we spoke about our ex's, I took everything you said about yours onboard, how she made you feel, and I promised myself to never make you feel like that, to not be like her, to show you everything you want in someone is right there in front of you.
You won't know this but when you had your moment in January, and I was there drinking with you, I knew something would happen that night. Why did you ask me to go round that night? Did you want the same thing I did? Did you know something would happen? Did you want something to happen?
You won't know this, but as you gave me the one finger salute after I made a joke, I grabbed your hand and then I just started stroking it and I felt those strong feelings again. Electricity. Lust.
You won't know this, but that next morning in your bed, you were in my arms, my thoughts got carried away, I started to think that this was the real deal again, and again, I felt happy.
You won't know this but when we had that extreme heart-to-heart on that Wednesday morning, you told me that your ex broke you, that you don't miss her or it, I believed you were over her.
You won't know this but I knew you wasn't ready, but when you said "I don't expect you, nor want you to wait for me, my life is a mess" I knew then I was going to wait, I wasn't prepared to turn my back on you. I told you that I wanted to be there for you and I'm going to prove it.
You won't know this, but in those few weeks that followed I was back on cloud 9.
You won't know this but I was mentally preparing to ask you to do stuff, as a couple, to go away for a weekend, as a couple.
You won't know this but when your ex got back in touch, I broke down inside.
You won't know this but I knew that she'd be a problem, for you, for us.
You won't know this but I knew you saw her the weekend that all my plans fucked up.
You won't know this but I lost sleep, because you went quiet. I noticed the change in you and I knew it was down to her.
You won't know this but when I saw that you were together in the city, I broke down again.
You won't know this but you hurt me.
You won't know this but I knew days before I confronted you about it.
You won't know this but I knew you were lying. You told a good cover up, made it seem innocent and I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
You won't know this but when I was facing the possibility of losing my job and you just were not around, I was angry. I was there for you but when I needed you, you were distant, unavailable, giving me the silent treatment.
You won't know this but the second time you went to the city together, I was livid. I wanted to smash something. The evidence was plain to see, you dismissed it and made it seem like I was overreacting.
You won't know this but what I wanted you to say was 'I haven't got time for this, I think we should end things', allowing me to move on. To get over you. Allowing you to be happy with her again.
You won't know this but after the dust had settled and you had more time for me I stupidly thought we'd just carry on from where we had left off.
You won't know this but back in your bed on that Sunday, I noticed that you were texting her. And you had to travel her way to see family that day, did you go to meet her?
You won't know this but I know you went back to the city with her again 2 weeks ago, when it was that really hot weekend. You told me you were at home. You were not.
You won't know this but seeing you this weekend and just having a chilled evening was wonderful. You held my hand. You came up close to me, you sought to be affectionate with me. I love those moments with you.
You won't know this but I saw that she text a selfie to you Sunday morning, I saw that she is under a different name in your phone. I saw how beautiful she is and why you're attracted to her, and my heart sank inside. I can't compete. I know I can't.
You won't know this but when you said "it's just not happening, I'm just not in the moment" after I tried to initiate something, I knew it was because of her. But when you put your arms around me again, as some form of apology, the shame that I had initially felt went away, because of your embrace. Your fingers locked into mine.
You won't know this but your friend who confessed her love for you, I know she's still with her girlfriend, I know you lied me about that. It wasn't your friend that said that to you. It was her.
You won't know this but I say goodnight to you every night without fail.
You won't know this but every shooting star I see, I wish for you, for us.
You won't know this but when you go quiet and I hear nothing from you, my mind goes into overdrive. Are you conflicted? Are you constantly messaging her the way you used to message me?
How long are you going to keep this up for? Dangling the carrot for us both? What are you telling her? The same things you told me? That you need time to sort your shit out?
You won't know this but I can't stand up for myself and walk away, even though in any other situation I would. But I find myself making excuses for you. And I know why.
You won't know this but despite all of the above, I forgive you and I'm prepared to forget.
You won't know this but I love you even though we're not together.
And the fact that makes me the saddest, is that you won't know any of this.