The Last Time I Cried

The last time I cried,

I was curled  into a ball

in the corner of my bathroom.

My body shook.

My voice trembled.

My sanity vanished.

The tears stained my cheeks red.

My eyes so swollen that one couldn’t tell,

if the beautiful shade of brown that is the color

was still there, or if it had been replaced with

something far more terrifying.

Hate.

Hate for some insignificant boy who left me broken

in more ways than one.

Who I would still go to war for.

And I remembered,

he isn’t coming back,

muttered my head.

But he has to.

wept my soul.  

Hate for myself.

Because this is what happens

when you let people in, Katharina.

You give them the power to destroy you.

and that is exactly what they do.

But in the midst of hate,

bloomed something ever greater.

My eyes turned into something,

far more alluring.

Love.

Love for myself.

For the struggles I have faced,

and the pain that helps me grow.

For that irrelevant boy, who

just wanted me to be happy.

Especially since he could not

produce that happiness for me.

Love for my body.

The vessel for my delicate soul,

and not the dumping ground for my insecurities.

A realization that I am enough.

I have always been enough.

Just take a look at my heart.

It has survived many wars,

and still never misses a beat.

I am taking his name,

the one that still hurts to say,

and using it as a war cry.

Then, I’m going to actually cry.

Because there is nothing shameful

about clearing your eyes.

Here is a little tip.

Do not pick yourself up.

Do not be okay.

Heartbreak is not about being okay.

It’s about remembering that

you were okay before.

And you will be okay again.

Its about taking all of your broke pieces,

and building yourself a giant castle.

Because no matter what,

you are still a freaking queen.

Someday everything will make perfect sense.

All you can do for now, is just smile

through the tears.

There is nothing more beautiful

than that.

- be gentle with yourself