I remember everything

I remember being 14 and in love

I remember the pain that came with it

I remember when I first noticed that every time you looked at me your pupils got bigger

I remember when I made you dance under the pouring rain with me

I remember feeling like I was unstoppable

Now

I only remember when you looked into my eyes as you killed me

“I don’t love you anymore” you said

I remember being 14 and wanting to die

I remember the pain that came with it

I remember when I first noticed that slitting my wrist made me feel like I could breathe again

I remember when I started loving you more than I loved myself

I remember feeling like I was no one

Now

I understand that depression comes in periods

And no matter if it is 4am on a summer night

Or

7pm on a stormy afternoon

I have to be prepared for the worst

Like getting that text from you saying that you didn’t think trying again would be the best

I have to be prepared to have the feeling of death on my lips

I can’t write anymore

You have taken every joy, every pain, every feeling I have ever had and made it disappear

I can no longer write without feeling like anything is good enough

You made me feel like I am not good enough