HEALING STARTS NOW! July, 19th Wednesday

Here is where i start, My happiness i demand now. I stared. I watched myself in front of th mirror and i didn't know who i was looking at. My hair is short and frail broken ends and lifeless strains . my eyes glossed over like the baby doll i clung to as a scared child. My skin is covered in pale patches, the weight on my thighs and stomach that kept me warm when he was gone has vanished, skin and muscles lay on my bones. I feel as if i have been going through the motions for so long pretending to feel beautiful and full of life that i forgot how scared i am of losing control. i feel like i finally have a chance of changing  myself and i am letting it slip away! because i am scared of gaining my control back! i loved him, but i hated myself and he left and i mourned that loss but now it's time to bury that relationship and gain back a sense of who i am. i am not as broken as i seem, i have flaws. i have room to improve. i want to be happy... i want to start feeling how i actually am not just telling people i feel happy! i haven't cut since feb. but i can't act like i havent thought it. i cant act like i don't want to. but it is time to heal and it starts now. with love and support i will rise out of these ashes. i have walked through the fire and it destroyed me. now it's my time to kick back!