Cops and Robbers

Cops and robbers was my favorite game as a child…

Until I became the real life robber.

Cops became my enemies,

Robbers became my friends,

And the precinct was the place I often found myself in.

Every time I’d make bad choices,

I’d go to the home of my enemies,

Hell to my friends.

My bad judgments led me to be in the dark scary hole,

People call jail.

I call it the contemplation room.

Until a man in a suit,

Hired by some lady I was taught to call mom,

Interrupts my contemplation, and gets me out.

Being a felon to my choices,

A convict to my dreams,

A murderer to my hopes,

And a burden to my life,

Was thrilling,

Blood rushing,

Adrenaline coursing.

Until I crashed!

I stumbled, and fell, and impassioned myself,

Into my own dark scary hole,

People call depression.

My choices led me to feel like all I wore was orange,

All my skirts became jumpsuits,

And all people saw was the big “I’m a failure” sign on my forehead.

Where to turn to?

Whom to turn to?

Cops or robbers?

Good or bad?

Torah or superficiality?

So I started questioning Him.

But all it felt like,

Was a one-way conversation…

Then I remembered G-d is the judge,

He wasn’t talking to me,

Because it was my turn on the stand.

And so I ran.

I ran from all the judges.

G-d,

The people,

And I ran.

I ran from myself.

I ran from reality.

“Just a few sips,” I told myself,

“Just one hit”,

I was in my own fantasy world.

The run was a soul searching marathon,

One I could never forget.

Racing against myself,

Giving me obstacles on the way…

Just when I thought I hit the bottom of the rock,

I realized there was no rock to hit,

Since my heart and my mind became the rock.

I built a brick wall around me,

To protect me from the judges.

To protect me from getting caught,

To protect me from me.

Until I realized I built my mind to be a contemplation room,

The contemplation room of my body.

I was my own cop,

I was my own enemy.

Those sips and those hits were the robbers,

I had no friends.

And so, I turned to Him once again.

This time with an open heart,

Every word taking down another brick from my wall,

Softening my heart,

Creating a bond.

Crying out for help.

And He answered.

He answered me with a warm embrace.

I felt my eyes filling up with tears.

This time tears of relief.
Relieved to know that The Judge is He.

Not you and not me.