queer-with-a-pen

always been

born a host in a body

that was not mine

curled up against small ribs

nestled between vertebrae

so invisible but still there

still real

 

teeth ground down into

a snarl in the first feeling of anger

at the name and gender

slapped onto this new body

a body whose tongue is too

floppy and unlearned to protest

 

wrapping tighter around new body parts

blossoming like bruises after

that initial contact of skin on skin

bursting at the seams of this vessel

that can only cry out

wrong wrong wrong

 

because i have always been here

bursting into full-fledged existence

at the tender age of seven

when my girl-body still lacked the

words to say that this body is not mine

and being called a girl makes

my guts curdle

makes me want to peel off my skin

 

and here i am now

just like i have always been

making my home in a body

that was meant to hold something else

a daughter

a sister

a neice

a granddaughter

and maybe a mother

 

but this cage of flesh and bone

it will not hold another body

because in a way i have already birthed

myself up out of the years of pain

and confusion

 

because i have always been

i have always been

i have always been

i have

 

Comments1

  • FredPeyer

    Beautifully written, with much emotion and understanding. Now I get at least an inkling on how it must feel to be trapped in a different body.
    Thank you for sharing.

    • queer-with-a-pen

      Thank you for your kind words. It really means a lot.



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