Hummingbird Wings

You know what hummingbird wings look like?
Sure
But do you know what they feel like?
Like that quick flutter of...
everything?
when it's in your chest?
cause I do.
For the first time in forever I have chest pains, but I'm not sad.
My heart is racing but this time the finish line isnt suicide.
Have you ever felt that sinking feeling in your chest?
You know that physical heartbreak?
You feel like it drops and your stomach sorta flatlines as much as you wish your heartbeat would?
Have you felt that?
I have,
and for the first time in forever I don't feel like crying because
I'm not sad.
I don't know about you
but when I cry
I smile
my face kinda contorts into this weird Grimace of a smile
its kind of looks sickening
but it's a smile and I cry
my nose kind of flares and my eyes leak I can't help that smile
and I can't help this one
and I'm scared my nostrils are flaring
and my eyes are burning
but I'm not crying
because I'm not sad.
Have you ever felt that? Because I have.

my heart does that thing where it kind of just flutters and flat lines
and my stomach does that flip flop thing of a roll
and I can't tell if it's because of the Butterflies or the hummingbird.
There's so many different feelings to describe
I don't know what this is
I haven't really felt it before
I haven't felt my body react to this way except for sadness
but I'm not sad.
I lay in bed and I stare at the ceiling
and for once my mind isnt thinking of ways to end it
It's thinking of way to start it
and once again the hummingbird starts
have you felt that
It flutters and it flips
and then I realize that this has to be some great joy
and then it flops it falls
it falls
and it crashes into the butterflies
and the butterflies
their wings break and this
This is fear
And  I stare at the ceiling
and this is a fear because your scary
you're a scary thought
because I think I love you
and I'm young I don't like saying I know what love is but...
God dang
I think I love you and it's scary

have you ever seen a hummingbird? have you ever seen a butterfly? do you know their wings? how they flutter but differently? how a hummingbirds is frantic and it's racing but the butterfly just graceful?
and why do the butterflies make me feel sick?
and why does this hummingbird haunt my chest?
have you ever seen it?
Have you ever felt it?
Cause I have...
but normally I'm sad
normally the hummingbird pecks and it's beak stabs my heart
and I fall and I Cry
and normally the butterflies
their wings Crackle
and they might as well turn back into caterpillars and group at the bottom of my stomach untill the acid eats at them
and again fall and I Cry
but now they're the going in circles
and I feel a little dizzy
but I don't feel like crying
and this hummingbird it's making me hum
And I'm humming my favorite songs
and I'm singing too
because why not
because you

which you I'm  referring to, I don't really know
Right now because my mind
It's Kind of messed up
and I might blame this on being so young
and calling so many things love
But when I don't know what it is
Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Have you ever felt it? But in a good way?
Because I have.