Paralyzed

Sometimes, it's like a completely different being takes over my whole body.

At any given time. Place. Hour.

It inhabits me.

It lives in me, and made me its home.

It's an unwanted room mate I never asked for.

I always feel it lurking,

it's always there.

It prominently makes its self known;

and i can feel it take over.

The sudden wash of darkness,

it creeps slowly taking me as its host.

Bringing the feeling of empty but heavy feelings along.

Only to claim me and harvest my happiness.

The swallowing, sinking feeling I feel deep inside when it arrives,

is sometimes too much to bare.

I am a hostage in my own body.

I am trapped and fear I will never be set free.

The feeling of the most agonizing sadness,

the deepest anxiety.

The most heartbreaking pain I could feel,

 all comes as its uninvited guests.

Yet it makes me feel so hollow, numb even.

So, I surrender.

I surrender to it inside,

and let it take over.

This way it's a little easier.

I try to fight,

but it only holds tighter, harder, darker.

My vacant chest, I can feel my heart beat a thousand beats a second.

I just lie in bed,

feeling it ravage my thoughts and my whole entirety;

I can feel it turning me.

I am paralyzed by it. Hypnotized.

I do what it wants, when it wants, and how.

But I don't want to.

I feel numb as it wanders through every inch of me,

every bit of my trembling soul.

But when it is over,

it takes a piece of me.

A tiny piece every time.

Maybe until there's nothing left to take.

Or maybe,

until I just can't take it anymore.