Egyptianqt79

Josh

I write because of you.
I wanted to die because of you.
I begged you to take me with you
Many a drunken night in the bathroom floor,
While pain slipped from my wrists,
But it was just another failed attempt

I'm not as brave as you.
I couldn't go all the way like you.
I know I failed you, but you left me here in this miserable place,
With the bitter taste,
Of the biggest mistake,
Of walking away,
When u obviously needed me to be there for you.

I knew you were in pain,
I know ur mother walked away
I know ur brother illuminated the way.
I know your dad couldn't give you a place to stay.
I did though,
I loved you more than anything
You were my best friend
We have endless memories

I still hear your laugh...

You never acted like it was so bad.
You never displayed the traditional red flags.
No cutting
No crying
No pity pleas
No whining.
Where did this come from?
You didn't even give me a warning.

I heard from mutual friends
You were on a bridge.
I'm convinced you were murdered,
 by a stranger who looked like you,
claimed to be you,
Someone  I never met.

He took your life that night.
He jumped because the guy I know would never do that ....
Right?

I couldn't believe it was true
It couldn't be you
Until I had to face the truth
I sat at a strangers funeral
While your father cried on my shoulder
For a guy we didnt even know.

But when I picked up the phone to tell you I saw your dad today
You didn't answer me
When I called you to ask you why you weren't there
You let it go to voicemail
But when I called to tell you I was afraid to look in the casket
And your voicemail was full
I realized I'd never hear your voice again....

The rest of my life
It hit me.
That I didn't think of my life....
How it would be...
 
Every day was harder than the last
Because the memories of you started to fade fast
I couldn't remember your voice

But I still hear your laugh.

It's been 5 years since the coldest December I've ever felt.
The ice on my heart I thought would never melt.
I will never stop missing you
Or wishing you
Could be here just one more day
One more hug,
One more chance
One more ..one more .... just one more second
But I have to accept it
There's no more one mores 
it's over and time doesn't rewind

It's the only thing that keeps me alive....
Knowing that once youre gone youre gone
And there's no way to change your mind.

Sometimes we don't notice depression
The warning signs are transparent
Some smile on the outside
The cry for help disguised
They don't show any signs of being sad....

I can still hear his laugh.










Comments5

  • Heather T

    What an immeasurable loss. Just as your sorrowful poem points out, sometimes we just don't know what someone is going through and there are no signs. Kudos to you for your work!

  • Christina8

    Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry for your loss! I've had a loved one commit suicide too and the void is immeasurable. I hope your heart heals soon...

  • jxllyfish

    Deeply sorry for your loss. I love your Poem

  • Egyptianqt79

    Thank u every one for your thoughtful words ... I appreciate it so much.

  • germanamericanchurch

    Death gives what life took away, maybe answers to the mystery of life and meaning



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