This is the last time I use the word love.🥀

Every time I prepare for the biggest event in my life,it all seems to go perfect.But once I'm in that phase of going for the 

last push,I can't tolerate the negative emotions that my body neglects,I can't control my mind. I keep telling my self I'm holding onto something that i don't  want to hold on, i think it's a matter of obsession and possession. I wasn't aware of this reality. I'm not being true to my self,I don't know how that works anymore,compassion is a strange disease to me. I'm not being real,I've become a creature that's fragile and vulnerable. I keep going back to something that's temporary,something that's not benefiting me but destroying and bisecting me completely. My state of mind invades in anger everyday, this is the reason to my constant anxiety. Socialising is the food to my character but the rejection to my feelings. I can't keep strong,I'm unstable because I'm on my own in this world,it was always like that and will continue to abide that way. I'm by my self practically and weakened by misery. There isn't a human out there who thrives to pick you up with satisfaction. I bow my head down because I'm ashamed,of all the mistakes I insisted. And the amount of damage I caused because of the simplest mistakes. My instincts grow old as I look into people's eyes and force a painting smile. It's so difficult to hide,I want to hide away because that feeling is controlling me mentally,abusing my heart,causing me to cut deep into my skin. I'm lost. It's a strange conscious to be in. TRUE love only lasts once. If it's true enough then you'll know that it never goes away and I understand that it makes you cry every single day. My blood is stone cold because I've lost my speech, the voice that once called out for you. This feeling is taking away the life that I once hoped to be a life filled with happiness. Being controlled by human nature and being blind in trust is painful. I've lost my own dignity, my own level of respect that was within me. I'm not radical but this feeling had led me to a lot of disturbance and unpleasantness. I pray that you have a new soul, a soul that's guided and focused on a new and a structured path that's perfect for you. I'm in my own repression, the darkness of recovery,I'm in my worst situations and going through the worst feelings. I've made a mistake. 

~this is the last time I'm going to use the word "love"🥀